They day before...

Did you know there is a internet site called e-Harmony that is one of the world's biggest dating sites and they actually have a research lab in Pasadena!? There's a program about it right now on TV... There are actual scientists and psycologists working to match people up... They do constant live research where they observe couples interact with one another and every ten minutes the participants fill out a form expressing their feelings about the meeting... It is all videotaped of course and there is a group of people watching as they go along, interpreting every single move... Analyzing all the lip biting and hair thrown back etc. They try to match everything... There has to be a physical attraction, of course, and then the forms contain everything from how easily you get angry to which side of the bed you sleep... Unbelievable... Hihi!!! And speaking of dating... I broke my non-dating principle the day before yesterday.... =O Let me tell the tale, hahahaha!!


Christine and I went out to Statt on X-Mas Day! Both of us, not really having ecstatic expectations, but still a bit hopefull. And once we got out... OMG, it's been ages since I had so much fun!! The ecstatic expectations were suddenly blown away! And, for me, besides getting to spend quality time with my sweetie, I got so much attention I've never experienced anything like it before... I'm REALLY not used to that!! Not that I expect it to be that way every time, on the contrary, but it was a well needed confidence boost. We all need a lift sometimes... Anyway about the dating thingie... Me and Christine and Calle were standing at the bar when this guy started talking to me... It turned out we had a lot to talk about =) So when it was time for me to go find my Birgit he asked for my number... And he got it! The day after though, mem'ry hazy and a bit fogged up I was sure he wouldn't call... But he did and Sunday we met up!! He seems like a really nice guy, but it's a little too soon to know whether it's for us or not. And, for my superficial part, he's really tall <3

I really can't belive a whole year has already past... Time has just flown away! All and all I had a really good year! One of the better I think! Keeping my fingers crossed that 2009 will be as good! Normally I don't do new years resolutions, but this year I actually have some... 2009 is to become my "cleansing of the soul year", my do-good-karma... A be-a-better-man thingie! I started out small this year by becoming a blood donor but this year I'll increase a little by signing up for the organ donor program... I've also decided to starting donating money once a month, to WWF and Unicef. And I'm gonna alter my environmental flaws... In a way I'm really caring about it already, but I'm a bit inconsistent... I could for starters buy lightbulbs that save energy, I could go grossery shopping with bags made of fabrics instead of plastic. The organic product thingie I'm already into, but recently I discovered a dilemma... For my personal health of course it's great eating organic fruit and vegetables and such, but if I wanna have tomatos in the middle of the winter I have to buy them from Spain or something... Or bananas from Brazil... The point is that the food has been shipped all around the world before getting here, increasing the polution that's destroying our planet bit by bit. And to make it even harder, a great deal of the Swedish food is sent to, say... China, to be bottled or packed or what ever, just because it's cheaper... It's a really twisted world we live in.. Money is all that matters. Makes me sick... Also I think I'll narrow my meat eating down to once a week.

So consequently my new years resolutions are to start being more human, care more for the planet and those in need. Period!

Having a real slacker day today... Mattias is lying on the couch reading a book and I'm in my easy chair as usual... Trying not to worry about tomorrow and how it's all going to turn out... Everything is planned in a hurry, people calling the last seond to ask if they can come. Not that it's not nice, cause it is, but it kinda leaves me hanging... If I'm hosting something I wanna be able to do it properly, but this time it'll all be improv. ;o) Gonna stop thinking about and just go with the flow... Come what may as they say. Hitting town later, for some last minute shopping and some pool. =) Probably end the day with a movie or two!!

Nah, time to go... O.A.O

December reflections

Think I'll start as usual by saying that "it sure was a while ago since I wrote anything here..." Haha! Don't really know why I keep excusing myself, either it's because I'm truly disappointed in myself for not writing more often, or it's simply because this is a blog and a blog is expected to be frequently updated... Not that I've got the slightest clue whether anyone ever reads this or not, so far I haven't gotten a single comment, but still ;o)

I'm comfortably crawled up in my chair, computer in my lap... Last week I took the time to put up the X-mas curtains, some red tablecloths a lot of x-masy decorations and candlesticks and such... The star and the advent candlesticks in the windows emit a soft cosy light. Finally, it's Christmas time! Oh, how I've longed... There is no feeling like the one you get, sitting in the dim light of a candle burning, the smell of mulled wine, the taste of gingerbread cookies... Oh how glorious!! Get yourself tangled up in wrapping paper and string and the sealing wax sticking to everything. The smell of resin from the Christmas tree... I get all warm inside just thinking about it! I truly am a "X-mas fascist" =)

A lot of things have happened lately and I don't quite know where to begin... There are subjects popping up inside my head at all times that I feel I'd like to put in print, but once I get to a computer, the strong intense feelings seem to have vanished. I get nothing... And things I felt strongly about at one point don't seem that important later on.. Hard to explain...

I've been a bit disapointed lately... both of friends, things and myself... I've felt neglected at times.. Feeling I'd done nothing to deserve that sort of treatment... I really don't understand how people can be so fucking ignorant towards their friends at times... Zero appreciation!!! I don't claim to be a perfect friend, but I do try my best to always let them know that I love them and care about them and that I appreciate what they do for me. You should never ever take anyone for granted... What I was going at was this... Lately I've tried to reach out... But all I felt I got in return was rejection... I haven't shown my disappointment, but it hurts... I don't understand when people got to be so busy they don't even have the time to give a friendly word or.. you know... anything... just a short word to let the friend reaching out know that they care, they're just a little busy. It's hard to explain the feeling, but at times I've felt all alone and totally useless. Wondered what I'd done to deserve such treatment...!? And then finally realised I don't!!! I don't deserve it... And now, as I look back at the specific moments, I see that a few times I over reacted and a few times I didn't... But it's like some sick twisted trend hitting the world with tremendous force... Not only should we, as before, ignore strangers in desperate times, we should now apparently also ignore our friends... What happened to humanity?? We distance ourselves from each other every day... Less and less human contact.. It's so sad... Nah, enough negativity for one night I think!!

There are a lot of good things happening in my life too!! Started hanging out a lot with Christian!! He's a really good friend, we have a of lof fun together!! Last week we had this tacos-beer-soda-and movie night!! It was soo nice... Just what I needed!! Sitting under a couple of blankets just, relaxing!! Awsome!! And last sunday we had a little advent celebration... Mulled wine, gingerbread and rice á la Malta... Perfect first advent!

Oh, I almost forgot... I went and got myself a page on Spraydate... I just had to check it out... A bunch of my friends used it in the past and had gotten different results... I never cared, but after a few recent conversations, I decided to do a little social experiment... Comparing the meat market online versus the real, live version... We all know what it's like at the local club, but I honestly had no idea what it was like at a place like that... Now I do, and I suppose I shouldn't judge all the sites like that, since I've only tried one, but I can tell you this much... It's not for me. I don't even believe in dating... I dislike it... or to be more precise: I dislike it as a way to meet someone for the very first time... It sets all these expectation.. Two people meeting, obsessing about whether the other person finds them attractive or not.. "Does he like me?" Do I feel any butterflies stiring?" "Isn't he/she kind of cute?" It all just feels so forced... The entire meeting evolves around searching for that special feeling, and if you don't feel it, then you had a bad date.. So, what I say is this: I won't go on a date with someone I don't know anything about.. However, I'd love to go for a cup of coffee or a walk or something.. Just as normal human beings, no expectations, no nothing.. Maybe we feel like we have something in common or just like hanging out, hell... Let's take another walk.. And if I then have a some what tingling sensation in my tummy, THEN I'll consider going on a date! Maybe it's just some level of self preservation, a fear of rejection... That could be.. But it doesn't change the facts.... Now anyway, what I was going at was, that the meat market is exaclty the same online as it is off... The same "rules"... Same lame compliments, same tacky invited and so on... Now I'm not saying it's all like that, there were a bunch of really nice guys too... I just didn't make too much of an effort since I wasn't there to find someone. Anyway, like I said I don't date... I did however go on a non-date with one guy... A long walk to be precise... I tried to make it as clear as possible about my hating-dating-thing... Anyway I had a really great time! No butterflies for my part, but I think I might have made a good friend!! =) He's a really sweet guy and you can never have too may friends... So my passive "search" goes on, offline... I don't believe in going looking for love... Not saying I'm not flirting, beacuse I am, for fun... And I'm not exaclty keeping my eyes shut either, but.. for me love comes when I least expect it... when I least need it... when I least want it actually... It doesn't come until it's suppose to, so there's no use trying to rush it! I need someone who REALLY gets me... No luck so far! I think I should hire Christine to find me a man... She's the one person who knows me by heart. All my twists and perks... Buuut, there's no rush, I get what I need right now anyway ; )

Oh and I have to tell you... Today I got offered a spot on the union's board. Felt pretty good actually, I was shocked to say at least! I have to admit I was a little proud! I think I'll accept the offer... One experience richer is nothing to decline.

Time for bed soon... Gonna run down to get my laundry and the hit the sack... But first: A kiss and a huge hug for Rickard! I'm thinking about you hun, keep up the good fight!! Miss you...

And now!! NIGHTY NIGHT!!

Reaching out

I've been home today as well... My throat isn't what it ought to be. My left tonsil is really swollen wich makes it hard to swallow. Hurts like hell. Honey doesn't seem to do the trick this time, otherwise that's always the best cure. I really hate staying home from work so Friday I've decided to go back to work, no matter what. Anders is now lying on a sunny beach on Tenerife. Have to admit I'm a wee bit jealous. It sure would be nice!

I'm going to Malmö on Saturday! Partly because I really , really, really need some new clothes, (I've just got one pair of pants that doesn't fall off when I move) and partly to see Lei again. We have a lot of talking to do a expect and I wanna be there for her as much as possible. I've got no power over the situation what so ever, so all I can do is be there. Those kinds of choises are never easy to make, trust me, I know. It's hard to know what's right and to know what's easy. Anyway I have all the faith in the world in her, I just hope she feels the same way about herself.

I've had the craziest days...

Part of me is soooo happy. The union had a salary negotiation a while back and the results came Monday. More money's always an improvement. I also found out I'll have work during the entire year and hopefully a month or two into 2009 before the new season begins in April again. That means less unemployed weeks than last year, wich mean a lot more money. I really love my colleagues for fighting for me. I can only do so much without their support. Thanks guys!! =) And also a few of my friends helped to tribute to my well being just by existing. These are a few of the things making me really happy and satisfied.

The other part of me is crying like a baby. That's the part missing those friends I don't get to hang out with as much as I would've wanted and the part of me that keeps reminding me that I mlack the special kind of love in my life right now. I've thought long and hard about it and maybe I've figuered out what's making me act so strangely sometimes. About imagening feelings that aren't really there and so on... You know the chapter! It might not be the reason, nor the result, but I've realised I've got too much love within if it's possible. I hate not being able to spend it on someone, it makes me frustrated. I have soooo much to give, but noone to give it to. Sometimes it feels like I'm ready to explode. It's gotta be the reason why I throw myself into relationships I have no faith in to begin with, just so I can share a little. Does it sound resonable!? Haha, probabaly not, but what to do?? I am what I am and truth told I'm proud. I like who I am, I just forget it every now and then. Sometimes you need a little reminder from your surrounding.

Sitting here thinking about what kinds of clothes I wanna get. I've seen a jacket at H&M that I think I'll get. Pants... Well I don't quite know.. Jeans?? I don't know if it's just me, but I can't wear jeans without a belt and it's annoying. Hoping for better results this time. A pair of shoes or maybe boots... That could be good. The range of clothes is a lot better in Malmö than here in this crappy little town.

Think it's time to kick back for the night... Getting a bit tired again.

Btw, miss talking to you!!!

Bye!!

Destiny

Like a warm summer breeze you touch my soul

Like a feather in the wind I'm drawn to you

You don't yet know, but we're destined to be one

A love so pure, unstained

All the gifts of this life can not compare

To the tenderness and warmth you bring

I will surrender myself, my heart, my soul

And give you all, my love, without a doubt

Come share an eternity with me

And I will teach you what life has to offer

Without eachother we will wander

Like ships lost at sea

Our destiny awaits us, let's wait no longer

My love, my life, my heart

Temporary downer

Well, that'll soon be the end of this week... Feels good. Not that it hasn't been an okay week, it's just... Not having the best day today. Lei left as soon as we woke up to go back to Malmö. A lot of homework and labs to finish. I miss her already. We had a great night yesterday, talking for hours, drinking coffee util we couldn't close our eyes and then moved over to mineral water and grapes. We shared our inner most feelings and it felt good. Both her and I, I think, don't have anyone to spill our guts to if needed. I have all my dearest, closest friends on a distance and even though the phones are in order, it's not quite the same. I need someone to really listen to me. I need someone to hug me. I need someone to be my friend right now, but everyone seem to be way too busy with their own stuff at the moment and I get that. I really do. School and work and whatever fills your days is hard and I don't wanna be the one clinging for attention when people don't have the time, it's just... I really need someone. All I can do is reach out a hand and hope someone'll grab it. So far no one has. At least Lei made it a lot easier for me. I got to spill some out at least and it was like a stone off my chest. I know what you must be thinking, she becoming depressed again or she's in love... Or she's having issues at work or something else like that, but the truth is... I'm none of those things I think, but I'm screaming for attention. I need someone to see me before I vanish into some blurry fog. I refuse to let go of this feel-good-feeling that's built a nest inside me... Nah, enough of this kind of talk, let's focus on the ups instead! Thank you for last night sweetheart, it meant a lot! I miss the good old days! Love you hun!

I considering going to Malmö for the day on Saturday. I need to do some serious shopping. New pants, a jacket I've seen at H&M and maybe a pair of new boots or something. Pants are the top priority. Thought maybe Emelie would have the time to go with me, but she had this big exam coming up. Just realised though that it's not pay day until the week after... Crap! Should I wait? I have needs to fill. Not only do I really need more clothes, but I also started to get the urge to change myself and although it's expensive I thought I'd try filling the need with clothes instead of piercings, tattoos or new hair color as I normally do at times like those. Hoping for a good result!

I suddely got immensely tired. Think I'll leave this blog as it is and go realx in the couch instead. Think tomorrow will be a way better day than this one has been. C ya soon!

Love me just a little

Why is it that when I'm not near a computor, I so easily put words to my thoughts!? Entire essays scribbled down inside my mind. Things I want to get in print, but once I get access to a computer or a piece of paper and a pen, they're all gone. Vanished. Words don't come easy to me... Or... Well, that was a complete lie actually, words come very easy to me, but I sometimes find it hard to find the right words to suit my emotions. Words somehow seem do diminish the meaning of thoughts and feelings. I can only explain it by saying that the feelings are too strong and will simply blow the words to pieces. But occasionally I find just the perfect way to describe how I feel about a certain matter and it all feels so good. Maybe then I can get through to people, make them see what's going on inside my mind. It's a funny things actually, I've realised there is a huge difference between the way men and women think. If I would explain a fairly complicated, not always very rational thought, to one of my female friends, they understand what I mean 95% of the time. If I then try explaining the same thing to male friend in the same way, they are most likely to misunderstand me. Frustrating in a way, yes. I love the way me and my girlfriends think alike, it makes it all so much easier if you're trying to explain a situation or a reaction to a situation and all you have to say are five, six words and they know, they just know! On the downside, since we all think so alike it's pretty hard getting a different point of view. I suppose that's where the other sex makes its entrance into the discussion. In other words, both sexes are needed to achieve best result possible.

I'm torn between feelings right now. One part of me is fully alive and loving everything. How can anyone be pouting when life is so gloriously wonderful!? I've reached some new level of self appreciation wich I'm still adjusting to. Some kind of inner peace. I do feel I yet have much to achieve within that area, but at least I'm on the right track. Funny thing is, I never really tried, it just came to me. Maybe I'm going through a self cleansing, soul reviving therpy with just myself as a guide. Or I've learnt to absorb all the possitive energy most people are handing out, knowingly or unaware. Eitherway I needed it. I've spent so many years before being afraid of everything, hense depriving my heart and soul the chance of being free. I still have a long way to go, but every day I get one experience richer and no one can ever take that away.

I've caught a bit of a cold and yesterday I ran a fever. Fell a asleep a quarter past seven to the wonderful sound of Eva Cassidy. I always get sooo sentimental when I have a temperature. Crying, feeling lonely, imagening feelings I know are not real. When I'm sick, trust me when I say that I am the most pathetic, selfpitying, lodicrous excuse of a human being you will ever come to face. Nah, maybe not quite, but it can be pretty bad sometimes. I feel like the world has forgotten about me. At times like those I have to say I miss being in a relationship. Someone to give you a little extra love when you need it most. Bring you a cup of hot water with some honey in it and someone to stroke your hair while you're trying to fall asleep. Those are the small things in life you don't appreciate enough.
I kinda like my life. I have a job that I really like, an apartment I'm comfortable in, my family and friends close, a good sexlife (although the distance could be decreased), healthy hopes and dreams and best of all... The future is a blank page. I have noone to take in consideration if I wanna make plans, wich I love. But still... Eventually I'll want what most people want and I hate that those thoughts are slowly creeping up on me again. You've already figured out that it's love I'm talking about, right!!? I miss being appreciated, I miss making someone's heart skip a beat, I miss making someone unable to stop smiling when I'm around. The longing gaze that says: "If I take you in my arms now, I'll never be able to let go". To be completely truthful, I'm not convinced such love is out there for me. Maybe you only get a certain amount of chances... I know that sounded depressive, but that's not my intension. What I meant to say was, that maybe we shouldn't go through life expecting that love you see in the movies. I highly doubt there are violins playing inside your head as prince Charming strolls up to you and says that it has to fate. I know I shouldn't be so synical, but to be honest, it's been such a long time since I felt the butterflies in my stomach I wonder wether they're still alive or not. Occassionally they stir, but this just being caused by a romantic situation or thoughts strictly being the fiction of my imagination. I do that sometimes. Confuse attention with emotions. I do that when I seek something, when I feel something is lacking in my life or when the fear of losing something surfaces. It's some sort of twisted defence mechanism I think... A way to hold on to it, afraid that if I let there will be an empty space that I will not be able to fill immediately and that I think will cause me some degree of pain. Haha, I feel like Meredith Grey!!
I spoke to Marie the other day, she'd return from her "Eurotrip", more or less mentally intact. The latter to be precise, wich pains me great deal. I could almost grasp her frustration. My little sweetie. Anyway we spoke of getting together for Halloween. Hoping for a trip tp Malmö wishing I'll have time to see all my huns. Marie, Lei, Memlan and Rickard. I miss Rickard... I miss Emelie and Lei and Marie as well. Got a sudden urge to stay up late with Lei, drinking coffee talking about the old days. Wandering the streets in the middle of the night, singing til our throats got sore. Not caring what anybody else thought. I've realised that all of my very best friends I made during Upper Secondary School. I lost some too, sure, but the ones I made... Those are the kind you wanna keep forever. I can see us now, slowly trotting along with our Zimmer frames down the the local lake to feed the swans every sunday. Haha, talk about having a drifting mind, eh!?

Feel I should go make myself some tea for my throat and I guess this is enough reading for you anyway!! I'll see you soon! =)

In love with lovely life

Well, here we are again... As always, a lot of things have happened since last I took the time to scribble down a few words here. Where should I start?? Too much to remember it all I suppose. They're not likely to pop up in chronological order this time, but here goes.

For starters I've gotten a raise, wich I'm very proud of! My very first one!! I have to say that being a season worker isn't half bad at all. We seem to have nearly all the benefits the regulars have and are treated equally. Well... At least I am. Can't claim that I know for a fact it's the same at Wämö, but let's hope it is! I really like my job. I like my co-workers, I really couldn't ask for better colleagues. I like the pay check that omes with the mail each month. To sum it up, it's all good.

A few weeks ago a got an offer to go to Spain for eleven days with someone I barely know. I'm always such a coward, but this time... THIS TIME I didn't bail out. And there are absolutely no regrets what so ever! I had a blast, even though I "retreated from enemy ground" from time to time to gather my thoughts. It's not easy spending 24/7 with a lot of people when you're used to living on you own. It was quite the trial for me. Well, besides from that, I had the best time ever. We lived in a small village in the north of Spain, Pineda de Mar, about 100km from the French border, right by the Mediterranean. Had about a hundred meters down to the beach that stretched for mile and miles. Soooo beautiful! We visited quite a few places, Girona, Figueres, Blanes and Barcelona, among others. Barcelona was by far my favourite (even though Blanes probably has the most gorgeous settings I've ever seen). There was so much to see in the big city. First time in B we went on a tourist bus wich took us to the major attractions. We started off with La Sagrada Familia, Gaudí's (according to me) masterpiece. I have never seen anything like it. Such an amazing building! So unique and beautiful, but yet so provocative and unconventional. After reading every single line about Antoni Gaudí and his work it was chrystal clear. To me, the man was a genius, a true genius!! We then went to Güell Parc wich also contains a lot of Gaudí's work. We then passed through the olympic village and La Diagonal. We passed the huge fotball stadium (wich we later visited) and back to Placa Catalanya where we started. We then strolled along Las Ramblas, fearing every second that a pick pocket will cross your path. The entire Ramblas was filled with living statues and people selling things. Anyway, we passed through it, down to the dock, Port Vell. We went to a huge aquarium and the second time we went for a shoppingstroll and the went to an I-max studio. Well that was just a little about the visit to Spain, I won't bore you with further details. The bottom line is that this trip awoke something inside me. A need, an urge... Let's just say I've already started thinking about the next trip. Or to be more accurate, the upcoming tripS. Got "invited" by Pierre to come to Brussels and I asked Christian about it, and if things go as I hope they will, I'll be going to Belgium in a few months =) I also started doing some research for my backpacking trip. I've become a true dreamer!

I have to say I've changed these past few months. I've changed for the better. Can't put my finger on exactly what has changed, but I feel different. Stronger, more harmonized. In love with life. I've started to allow thing to fill up my sences completely. It lets me connect with sides of my yet fairly unexplored. Looking forward to getting to know myself better!! The truth is, I'm a really great girl, I've started to realise that and it feels good. GOOOO ME!!!!!!

This weekend Rickard is coming. You know how I seldom miss people, but I've actually missed hanging out a bit with him. Him and Emelie of course. I got so happy I nearly jumped, when I learned Emelie was going to Lund instead of Umeå. For the first time in over six years, my Memla is living close enough for me to see her more than once a year!!! Wohooooo!! Hugs and kisses for you Sweetie! Love you!!

Nah, think it's time to retire for the night. The faster I go to sleep, the faster it's a new day and the faster it's a new day, the faster it's Friday, and that means the weekend is nearly there wich means NO WORK!!! Nighty night!! =)

Recently

Thursday... I have to say I really enjoy the silence and calmness of tonight. I've had Mattias living here for nearly a week, and lord knows I love having him here, but a week is still a week, and I'm utterly thrilled to be on my own again. Not that he in anyway has been annoying or anything like that, it's just... It's just me and my own thoughts and it's amazing!

I've been working late every night this week to gain my hours in due to my trip, haha. It is now less than a week before I depart for Spain. Can hardly believe it! I'm so excited! I've never been to Spain before and the fact that I'm to see Barcelona is.... Wow! We're staying at Christian's sister's house by the sea a few Swedish miles from Barcelona, so hopefully there'll be some sun bathing as well. Summer hasn't been over that long here, but I'm already starting to look pale, so I'm gonna improve what little tan I have left! I should really atart thinking about what to bring as well... Gonna do my very best in the atempt to pack lightly. Not exactly a skill I'm known for, if you know what I mean!? But I'll do my best.

Started reading again. Or should I say "audiobooking"!? It's really great, sort of a multi task kinda of reading. I rarely take the time to sit down and read a book, I'm much too restless. Maybe that's not entirely true, it's mostly about priorities. I feel there are other things to be done and so I stick to audio books. Perfect to bring to work and listen to while I do what ever it is that needs to be done. Yesterday I "read" The Picture of Dorian Gray, a classic. Oscar Wilde sure has a way with words. There were quite a few quotes in that book that I'll probably never forget. All and all it was a good book, very tragic. Vanity is gruesome trap, it'll eat you if you're not careful, and Dorian Gray was vanity impersonated. And last night I started reading (yes, really reading) The Sorrows of Young Werther by J.W. Goethe. Let's just say his language parted a lot from Wilde's, and not in a good way. Buuuuut, I'll give it a go anyway. Thank god it's a thin book, haha! Recently finished Tolkien's books as well, Lord of the ring, and to morrow I think I'll start with the Shawshank Redemption.

Anyway, I should finish up here and do some reading now. It soothes me=)

Nighty night!

Made you look!

Yes, I know... It's been a really long time since I wrote anything here. Probably too long. A lot of things have happened since last time, but it would take ages for me to tell you all about it, so I won't. Hopefully things will come to reveal themselves during the fall. I have a strong feeling I'll be doing som writing here as the darkness of autumn slowly creeps up to the window.
There sure is somethings special about fall... The trees are turning into an explosion of a million colors and all you do is crawl up in the couch with a thousand lit candles, a blanket, a cup of tea and a good book. Of course, preferably, you'd exchange the book for someone to snuggle with, but in lack of that a book will do just fine. I've come to long for fall, wich is rather strange because I've always hated that time of year. It's been the time when I've felt lonley, insecure, forgotten and depressed. But last year it never came. And now I honestly find myself longing for it. It's a strange feeling, but I suppose it's because I've realised I really need to have some quality time with myself. Some Em-time. I've decided to start training again, working out. Do some Yoga twice a week, powerwalking and then biking. I actually feel like going to the gym, but it's really expensive. Aaaah, well, we'll see.

Went down to Malmö this Thursdag after work. Felt I had to get away for a while and it just so happens it was the annual festival. Perfect!! Went to stay at Rickards place the first night, but ended up staying there until Saturday. Felt really good with some closeness.
Hugs are truly underestimated. It's weird... A hug can mean a million things and warm even the coldest soul. Just waking up beside someone, feeling their arms around your waist. Their breath against your skin. Wonderful feeling. I'll miss it too!
Anyway, first night we had some beer and a few glasses of wine before we hit town to meet some of Rickard's friends to listen to Millencollin. Got there a bit late, but we still managed to see a few songs. Reall great! Went for a beer with Fredrik and Helena. Really nice people. Unfortunately I got shy again and probably made myself look like the dullest girl ever to have walked the earth, but hey... Not much I can do about it at the present.
Half friday was spent in bed and on the couch, watching a movie, reading a little in my book, while Rickard was looking at some guitars. Finally Charlie came and we had some dinner and then cracked open the wine! Delicious wine, by the way. Dangerously tasty. After a fair amount of alchohol we hit town only discover there was nothing around we wanted to do. So we ate some thai food and went home. Saturday was the day of all moviedays. We strated by watching The Assassination of Jesse James, but after about half the movie we were all so bored that we considered turning it off... But instead we pressed the ffw-button and just saw the ending. I thing we all agreed that it was one of the worst films we'd seen in a long time. We then decided to see anotherone, but this time, I worked as a reference since I'd seen the film before. I recomended No country for old men, and was terrified they would find that movie dull as well. Luckily for me, we shared the same oppinion about the film. Anyway as Charlie and I headed home to Lund we oddly decided to rent yet another movie and finally found one that sounded exciting. A good thriller. Gotta say we both really got our hopes up, on the cover there were standing ovations about the film. Well, jockpot my ass. It honestly was the most horrific, unnecessary, grotesque, yucky, twisted piece of movie ever made. The fact that it was French explained some of it. I know that sounded harsh, but it's not what it sounds like. The French are utterly brilliant at special effects. Making violence look so real that it's almost impossible to watch. Wich of course is a great achievement. So I suppose that from a special- effect- enthusiast's point of view, it was a master piece, but for a regular person it was just sick, twisted and disgusting. There was no point what so ever. It was about a woman who breaks an entry into a pregnant woman's house and spends the whole night tortueing her. Of course there are other people coming to the house in the middle of the night to check on her but some- fucking- how this woman manages to kill them all in gruesome bloody ways. That was one and a half hour of queasiness. YUCK!! I can't possibly understand what twisted mind put that script together. So, having said this, DON'T rent "Inside" After that we put on another "cute" movie to calm our nerves and forget about the blood bath. The last day, today, was spent at Nova Lund... Didn't find much, just two sweaters. Had some fish and then went to the station.
Looks like Charlie's going to move to Uppsala in a few weeks or so. I do think it's a bit too far away from me, haha. But I'm happy for her, finally she and Tobias will be living together. I hope she'll be happy! And besides, that gives me reason to visit Uppsala. Still haven't been there.

God I should really hit the bed... Working tomorrow. Believe me when I say I wouldn't have had the slightest thing against staying down there a few more days... Escaping reality just a little bit longer. Well... Life's waiting, so...

Hopefully I'll keep this up.

Huge hugs to Charlie and Rickard for making these days worth the while!

Nighty night!

Bless you ;o)

Sitting here, at mid day in my easy chair, bored out of my mind. I got stuck with a cold, that just won't leave. I have to say I can't really remember the last time I had a cold. Usually it starts, but always goes away before I get really sick. What happened to my immune defence!? It's pretty funny, I was supposed to go give some blood today, but had to cancel obviously, and the last time it was the same. They must think I'm really strange, haha. Anyway, I really hate being home from work... Not that it's THAT great, but it doesn't really look good with the sick days.

Was away in Stockholm this weekend. Went by car with Christine, Stefan and two others. Got to see a few of my friends, wich was really great! Mattias, Dennis and Emelie. AAAAH, I'd missed my Memla!! She's truly wonderful, one of my very best friends! Love her to death! So now I'm just longing for Tuesday when she's coming home for a few days. We're going to stroll around at Lövmarknaden, just enjoying summer and eachother's company. Erland sent me a text while I was in Sthlm, how big are the odds!? Haven't heard from him in a while and then out of the blue. Too bad I didn't tell him I was heading up there a little earlier... Didn't get a chance to see him unfortunately. Buuuut, better luck next time baby.

I want my week off to begin NOW! Just relaxing... Spending some time with friends, some time at Hasslö going fishing... Maybe go away somewhere.

I have a strange satisfaction... I've been seeing someone recently, and at first I thought we might've been dating or something alike, but now I really don't think that's the case. I really don't think he's got any feelings for me and I'm not sure what I feel, but the weird part is, I don't care... I'm fine. I like hanging out with him... Normally now my state of mind would be weirdly damaged... I'm not capable of having a strictly physical relationship, but... I don't know... Maybe I've changed... Or maybe it's because nothing's been said out loud yet. That could be it. Or maybe it's because his friendship is much more important. On and off as friends for nearly nine years... I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm curious to see if it could leed anywhere... Anyway, I enjoy his company and I hope he feels the same, regardless in what way we're involved. Although I have to say he's pretty *** ;o) AND he's gotten me hooked on motorcycles!

I really should do something useful, while I still got the energy... I already did the dishes and rested for a while so now maybe I'm fit for folding the laundry... Bleh...

BB

Hear me scream!

God, here I go with my thoughts again. Starting to feel pretty pathetic by now, haha. There's always something stirring underneath the surface of Miss. Andersson's mind.

Some relations are really hard to figure out. When you don't quite know where the other half stands. Don't know what button's not to press, what to say and what not to. It's tricky. I dare say I know myself pretty well, it sure would be strange otherwise. But the thing is... I know what I'm feeling, I know what I ought to do, I have a pretty clear idea of what's going on, but still... I can't bring myself to do the right thing. Because I'm scared? Probably. But what do I really have to lose? I know that if I don't listen to my intuition and then things goes straight to hell, I'll blame myself for not doing what I should've done when I felt it coming. If I DO listen and make things happen, I'll blame myself for bailing and for not sticking around long enough to see what would've happened. Weird dilemma. I can speak my mind, but I rarely do. It's seldom it's paid off in a way that made me achieve what I was trying to accomplish in the first place. To day I really felt like bursting into an angry rain of curses as someone made a comment that I truly despised. I had a lot to say, but I've learnt the hard way, that most of the time it's better to keep quiet and let it rest. The downside of keeping a low profile is all the stuff you bottle up inside. I wish I could let some things just slide, let it run off me like water on a goose, but unfortunately I'm not that sort of person. It make me so irritated when this certain someone makes complains about other people. How they have no self distans and how they always think they're the world's greatest. Compleetely flawless. I only have one thing to say: Take a good look in the mirror! It takes one to know one, if you know what I mean!? GAAAAAAH!

I realised a pretty funny thing about myself a while back. I consciously let people underestimate me. Just for the kicks. I sometimes make out to be a fairly lost girl. Unexperienced and unknowing. But the fact is, that's not what I am at all. But it's fun to see how people treat you and then you can laugh silently to yourself. Like the people I work with. They know an Emelie that's not even half of who I am. They know tiny parts of me, the parts I choose to reveal. (Haha, this action is probably some weird disease with a really fancy name to go with it. Wouldn't surprise me one bit. Some social disorder, hahahaha! ) I don't do this for that reason alone, sometimes I use it as a diffence mechanism, when I meet new people. I probably come off as being a pretty stiff, uptight, boring person as a first impression. I like to watch people before I interact with them, I don't say much, just a few sentances here and there until I think I have a pretty clear picture of what they're like. (Wow, reading this through makes me wonder if I should be hospitalized or at the least in a therapist's couch. ) Anyway...

The day after tomorrow I go for a roadtrip to Stockholm with a few friends. Planning to have a great time. Seeing Mattias on Thursday night, Friday's booked with Christine and Stefan, shopping, mary-go-rounds and a gay club included (what don't I do for my friends, haha!?) Saturday I plan to spend with my sweetie whom I haven't seen since last summer. Staying the last night at her place so we can hang out a.m.a.p. My little Emelie =) Maybe if I'm lucky I get to see Dennis and Dick as well, but so far every time I've been to Sthlm, I've failed for one reason or another. It's pretty funny, this week end is the exact same weekend Christine and I went to Sthlm last year. This has to be celebrated, haha!

Starting to get a bit tired now... I ought to go do something useful instead of spending my time in front of a radiating screen. I suppose the ever so appealing dishes await =(

O.A.O

Whiskey Lullaby

Sitting here listening to Whiskey Lullaby... That song really got to me. There's a frihtening, strange familiarity about their destiny. It's like I've been through it myself. The guilt, the agony, the pain. It awoke something in me. I really can't explain it... I don't know whether it's from her side of the story or his, but I think it's her's. It's like this big sadness wollows up inside me in a way that's not simply compassion. It scares me. Makes you wonder about regression. Is there such a thing as reincarnation?

I feel I have a lot of emotions floating around inside me, but I don't allow myself to stop and recognize them... In some strange way for my self-preservation on the emotional level. Can't allow myself to feel too much, don't wanna wind up in that pit again. It's been a really long time since I wrote here, and a lot of stuff has happened recently that I've sort of been keeping bottled up. Felt it was time to release some of it, before it gets too big for me to handle. I find this blogging very soothing. It helps me to cope.

There has been a lot of talking lately about this burial thing, where the workers actually crush the coffin before refilling the grave with soil. All this disrespectfull, inhuman behavior just to avoid the ground from sinking a bit as the body and coffin decompose. Lazy fuckers! I honestly can't believe anyone would do such a thing. I sure am glad, that's not something that's going on where I work. I bet Ruben would die first himself before dishonoring someone's remains like that. He's a good man!

Wow, I think I have a lot to spill out. Went down to see Charlie this Saturday. Haven't seen her for nearly nine months. It was good to have her back safe and sound. We went to Malmö the night I got there and spent the night at Rickard's talking, having some wine, listening to him play his guitar, watching a movie. It's was really nice. A little too short a visit though, but hopefully Charlie and Tobias will come for midsummer! And so I'll see her again pretty soon. I sure missed her while she was gone...

I'm so torn between my emotions... I'm both happy and really sad at the same time and it's hard to sort out the difference sometimes. Complicated. I know I'm missing something at the same time I'm completely satisfied with my present situation. My mind is cunning that way sometimes. Confuses me. What remains is to figure out how to solve this, if there even is a way. God, I feel like a jigsaw puzzle and all I've gotten together are the corner pieces and a little on the edges. The motif is not recognizable yet. The worst thing that could happen is if I get half way and realise there are missing pieces that can never be rediscovered. Keeping my fingers crossed they're all there!

I'v been considering taking a weeks' vacation this summer... Or maybe even two, but not the same month. Maybe take one week around midsummer and then one in August. Think it would be good for me. Last year I hardly took any, just a few days. My co-workers thought I should, and I agree. You have enjoy the summer from a different point of view than the lawn mower or a deep grave, haha. Charlie and I spoke about going to Gothenburg in July or August to see the gardening exhibition. Seems like it's an international project that streches from June to September. I need to spend more time with recreation.

Now, the salmon awaits me in the kitchen. So...

"Love me the most, when I deserve it the least, cause that's when I really need it"

On request ;o)

It sure was a while ago since I wrote here... At least it feels like it. A lot of things have happened. Both good and bad! Mostly good though!
I've turned 25!!! Can't quite believe it. I'm so old... Not old like in "oh no, my hair's getting gray" but old as in... "WOW, time sure flies..." What have I done this far? Have I accomplished all I wanted? When you reach a certain age you feel like there are things you should have done once you've reached that age. I had a few requests, or "demands" if you like, that I'd hoped to've accomplished before my twenty fifth birthday... In some matters I succeeded and in others I didn't. No grudge held though, conserning those goals I failed to achieve. You just have to carry on, you can't hurry time... Every time I start to get worked up about my age I close my eyes, take a deep breath and comfort myself with the fact that I have, at the very least, forty years until retirement! That's quite a while! And so I'm pretty pleased!
Anyhow, I had two birthday celebrations. One with my family and relatives and one with friends. Both were successful!
For the first I rented a flat and made dinner and cake... It was very nice. Got lotsa presents and money! Peter actually attended my family dinner, wich was tremendously nice. Christine came for the later part of the evening... And after all the celebration was over, the three of us sat at my place, eating cake and playing games. A great night! I am so thankful to such amazing friends!
The second occassion was also awsome. Fia and I'd invited a bunch of girl friends and made a big dinner. All and all I think we were twenty. A lot of food and wine and desert and games... Brilliant! They all seemed to have a good time! I know I did! =) Sabina came from Malmö and Catrin came from Kalmar!! So nice seeing them both!

So that's two good things!! A third, and it's a very good one, is that I started work again. Soooo amazingly wonderful! It's great to be activated again. Can't say I'm too fond of the early mornings, but still... I really missed it. I missed the guys as well. Anders is such a blast... We laugh a lot, making fun of each other in a friendly way. And Ruben and Håkan.. They are so great, all three of them. I really like it out there... Yesterday it was warm enough for me to work in just a T-shirt... I could really feel the scent of spring in the air! There's a lot coming up this week... Tomorrow Anders and Håkan are leaving for some conference and me and Ruben are going to this exhibition of different kinds of machines... Could be good! On Thursday there's a whole bunch of people coming from Skärfva to try all our machines and other equipment... Have to show them hos everything works...

So... Now for the sad part... Peter's left... Moved far far away... Across the Atlantic... Feels really sad to think about. I've known him for nearly eight years... Sure it was on and off during those years, but still... I felt like we got a little closer to one another these past few months... And then he left... I've never said good bye before, not knowing if I'd ever see that person again. It's harsh... Sad... He left a week ago today... Haven't heard anything yet, but I sure hope he made it there all right. It just feels so surreal that he will never live here, ever again... Maybe for a short while, but not... Definitely... Yeah well... Better get used to it...

Think I should go get something to eat... Maybe watch some S.F.U.... Just a few episodes left now =( Well... So long for now!

I'll have a happiest B-day!

Jaha, imorgon gäller det... De stora tjugofem... E lite excited även om det inte händer speciellt mycket just imorgon! Har haft två riktigt bra dagar måste jag säga!

Igår var jag nere hos Christine och käkade lunch. Sån underbar vårdag, fixa käk ihop o sitta med vårsolen strilandes genom rutan. Prata... Så underbart! Sen en tripp in till stan, följde med Christine på hennes ärenden och sen möta upp Monica. Hon flyttar ju snart så det var dags att börja planera packning och allt annat som medföljer. Tyvärr är jag ju uppbokad just den helgen hon flyttar, ska iväg till Göteborg, men jag har lovat att hjälpa henne packa o städa under veckans gång och sedan hjälpa henne att packa upp och fixa i den nya lägenheten.

Kvällen bestod av en liten biljarddejt med Sven. Så jäääkla trevligt. Känns verkligen som vi hittat tillbaka till varandra igen. Samma våglängd liksom. Visst, vi lever helt totalt olika liv, men vi har ändå alltid en massa att prata om, nutid, framtid och dåtid. Så mycket minnen.. Alltid lika roligt. Lite synd bara att han inte är hemma nu i helgen, men vi ska ses till påsk igen=) Blir ju inte så ofta nu när han bor i Lund, men man får ta vara på de tillfällena som ges. Vi har ju liksom alltid haft varandra och det kommer fortsätta så, det vet jag.

Idag har också varit en riktigt bra dag. Började dagen med ett samtal från Robert, sen ett samtal från en dam som erbjöd mig jobb. Ringde snabbt upp chefen för att konfirmera att jag faktiskt ska börja jobba snart igen, så det vara bara att ringa upp damen och tacka nej. Kändes sååååå bra!! Sen var det dags för lite Power Yoga. Fick sån energi så det var sanslöst. Underbart! In till stan och träffa Peter. Vi tog en lååång fika på TreG, his treat (thanks hun), och bara satt och pratade om allt och inget. Alternativ medicin var ett av de längre samtalsämnena. Vi har lika värderingar verkar det som. Efter fikat gick vi runt på stan lite och kollade på bokrean. Funderade på att köpa en bok jag haft tidigare, men som nu är spårlöst försvunnen. Struntade i det idag, men jag kommer nog att inhandla den så småningom. Kan inte förklara varför den är speciell, men... När Olof åkte iväg till Spanien och det tog slut mellan oss så hade han skrivit ner några rader ur den boken som han gav mig. Var ju bara tvungen att köpa hela boken. Den är tröstande, även för de som inte är speciellt inne på området. Jag till exempel. Peter köpte iaf två böcker. En om husbygge och sen Svenska sångboken. =)

Imorgon tänkte jag iaf åka en runda till jobbet och hälsa på pojkarna. Tar med mig lite fika och sen meddela att jag dyker upp tisdagen den första april, fit for fight! Ska bli kul att träffa dem igen! Middag med mamma på kvällen... Måste ju hitta på någonting på den stora dagen, även om allt firande blir på lördag.

Nu kom visst tröttheten smygande över mig.. Bäst att man vilar lite i tid ikväll kanske, tänkte upp och göra Yoga imorgon igen så man kommer igång!!

Har bestämt att det ska bli en riktigt bra födelsedag=)

Friendship

Friendship.. Now there's a word to define! I'm sure it means different things to different people. Maybe it's someone to call on sunday afternoons. Maybe it's someone to have a drink and a dance with. Maybe it's just someone you say Hi to in the streets. Like I said there's a variety of definitions.

To me however it is much more than the above printed sentences. Of course, they are all included, but that's far from all. There are three things, or elements if you like, that are the basics. There is laughter. There is crying... And last, but certainly not least, there's silence. To me that means, if not more, the beginning of a good and healthy friendship. You laugh together and you cry together. But the fact that you can also hang without saying a single word and it's not awkward, means a great deal. I actually find those kinds of relationships fairly rare. Besides those basics, there are also the obvious things such as trust, loyalty, humbleness, honesty and respect.

Now I've had my fair share of lousy friendships... Absolutely. There have been betrayals and lies. Lots of them. Alot of hurt in other words, and I've learnt I have to watch my back. I'm fully aware that I can be a bit naiv sometimes... or maybe that's not quite the right word for it, but I tend to give people far more chances than they deserve on the cost of my mental health so to speak. Now I don't claim at all to be some flawless, perfect "bestest buddy", we all make mistakes, but the bottom line is: I try! I try my very best to be a good friend. And honestly, most of the time I succeed. Sometimes I find it really hard though. You try to be there for someone in need, but they won't let you in. They say they don't trust anybody at all. Well... That could be true. But I don't see how anyone can live like that. I think it's like they say; Trust people, but always lock your car. That about sums it up I think. You shouldn't put all of your trust in someone, not to a hundered percent, but you have to give to gain, right!? Trust isn't something that you just get, it's something you earn. And I do think it's a bit unfair not to try. Everybody deserve the benefit of a doubt, before judged. I try to live by that, since that's what I hope and expect people will provide me with. Now I know, still waters run deep. And wounds can take a hell of a long time to heal. But you shouldn't let your new friends pay for hurts someone else caused.

I sat the other day, overviewing the people in my life at the moment. I realized that all of my best friends I met in upper secondary school. I also thought about the friends I no longer see, for one reason or another and also how people run in and out your life, if just for a brief second. The busdriver, the lady by the register at the local supermarket... A doctor... All these people have an impact on you, wether you acknowledge it or not. It might not be a big one, but it's still there.

I consider myself a lucky person. I have a bunch of good friends and a lot of acquaintances. Almost all my presently good friends are a group of people that I seriously think will be life long companions (corny, I know, and that in a completely platonic sence). There's Sabina... And Emelie, Marie, Christine, Mattias, Frida, Sven, Monica, Peter, Charlotte, Fia, Jeanette, whom I've known eight-nine years now. And there are new friends, which I hope will stay... Marie for instance. There are a lot of people I used to be really close to wich are now.. well, I can't say they're just acquaintances, cause that would be an understatement, but friends I don't see as much as I used to. There's Anja, Catrin, Dennis, Dick, Wallther, Caroline, Josefina, Veronica... Well these are just a few. So yes, I consider myself really lucky to have been chosen by them to be their friend. You mean a great deal to me!!

It just so happens that one of my best friends is moving. Far far away! It's pretty painful actually. He's moving across the Atlantic and to be frank, even though I certaily hope this is not the case, I don't know wether I'll ever see him again. I've never had to say good bye to a person not knowing if we'll ever be face to face again. I'm sure gonna miss him! When you're about to "lose" someone you always start thinking about the times you shared... First time you met. First time you spoke and so on... I actually remember this with Peter and I cherish it. I even think I at some point in the beginning had a little crush on him (ssshh, don't tell him I said so ;o) Anyway... If we really are meant to be friends, we will overcome the obsticles of distances! I know it! I hope he'll be happy over there! He deserves it!

Yeah well.... just a brief description of a very tiny part of my way of minds!

Nighty night!

Feeling good!

Weekend again! I'm totally beat and it's just nine thirty... I feel really good about myself and things today! Finished the dreaded work of landscape ecology today, finally! I'm so releaved! Sent it off to Ingemar for him to read on Monday as he gets in to work. I sure hope he'll read it straight away, I wanna get the results a.s.a.p.

Anders called me yesterday and I was so happy I started jumping up and down after we hung up. He called to make sure I hadn't forgotten about him and the other guys, and I said that that's not very likely to've happened. Thought I'd bringe some cake or something and go out there net week! I really miss it!! I've hade a few dreams about the fridge though, not plesant at all...

So, I've booked the apartment for next Saturday. I think we'll be about sixteen. Just family, still waiting for reply from Fia about girls' night in and dressing up- fancy-dinner thingie. But anyway... Sixteen is more than enough, when it's just family. And then... As the best birthday gift, Sabina is coming! =) I was so happy when she told me!! I sure miss her! Had such a blast when she was here! My little sweetheart!

And tomorrow's game night!! Looking forward to it. Not sure how many'll show up yet, but six is the lowest number. It's me, Christine, Peter, Marie, Tomas and Angelica. I've asked Fia, Sven and through Birgit, also Jenni. But that's not for sure yet. So I've got the entire day for cleaning tomorrow... Hope it'll be worth the while :P

Now my neck is hurting and can barely feel my legs any longer... Time to strech some!!

Night!

YAAAAY, GAAAAY!!

It's completely unbe-fucking-lievable... Haven't we gotten any further than this?? Sometimes I'm really ashamed of being a human being. The way we treat each other... So horrible! No compassion, no undertanding, no respect. And we're supposed to be the superior spicies.

I saw a flick of an Operah episode earlier, called Gay around the world. Many guest, amongst others a prince of India who came out last year. He is now threatened to lose his throne on having dishonored his family and Inidia in whole. A lesbian Jamaican poet who got attacked and raped in her own home because of her sexuality. She fled to the U.S. Some NBA-star who came out four years after he retired from basket ball. He made his choise of coming out while being at a pridefestival in England and saw Sir. Ian McKellen sitting in a pink cadillack=)

They all seemed to be so wonderfully proud of themselves, exactly as it should be. They all faught for human rights, in all its sentances.

I can't believe we let fear and religion come in the way of human rights. There are still countries in the world where homosexuality is punishable by life time in prison or even death. Not gonna let myself get worked up by the death penalty, cause then you'll be reading for several hours.

I just don't understand why we can't accept it? Some people are gay... It's not hurting anybody, it's not some weird contagious disease... It's just feelings. Nothing more nothing less. It's love. Between two consenting people. How is that somebody elses business?

There was this part where a woman spoke about development concerning these issues in different parts of the world, and it turns out that Scandinavia, specifically mentioned Sweden, is one of the most gay-accepting areas in the world and that they should all follow our example. At least that makes me a little a proud! =)

Empty

I'm so incredibly tired at the moment. Can't quite explain why. Sitting here, just watched an episode of Boston Legal, thinking about what I'm going to do next. Had my mind set on painting today, but it seems I'm all out of paint. Or maybe I just can't find it. My ugly yellow spice rack is in desperate need of a make over. I was promised a new one as I moved in, but apparently I'm not gonna get one any time soon. At least not in this decade. That's why I'm taking care of business =)

I bet there are a million things I could be doing this very moment, but for some reason, I'm not. I could actually go to the store to pick up some paint, I could start working on my assignment, concerning ecology, I could be taking a long nice walk, do some Yoga... But what will it be? I really wanna go shoot some pool later, but Marie wasn't sure she'd finish up in time :( Wonder if there's any one else to call for such a short notice!?

I made a really pathetic attempt to do my nails earlier. Can't decide what I think of them. I guess they'll do for now.

I have this pointless emptiness inside me today... I know that if I don't do something today, if I don't make anything happen, I will surely feel even worse tonight. A whole day will have past and I haven't been to any use what so ever. Throwing the day away. Horrible. But... I can't even seem to pull my self together and go for a walk. Feel like I'm just repeating my self over and over again.

At least to morrow I have some things to do. I have my laundry and then I have to go to the stores. Picking up a new cat collar for Phoebe, she seems to have lost hers, I'm gonna get me some wine to be consumed very fastly on Saturday evening before going out to dance my ass off. I might buy some food as well, heard it's supposed to be good for ya ;o)

Bah, this is just depressing... Don't wanna bore you to death, seems a bit unnecessary.

BYEEEEEE

Confusion, my constant companion

Have I said too much? I don't know... I tend to really make myself confused sometimes. I say one thing, I believe it, but seconds later I question my own ability to be true to myself. Or maybe it's the act of saying it out loud. It feels like that if you've written something or said it out loud, you simply can't take it back. It's out there. It a fact. I guess that's why I think a whole lot more than I speak. Because as long as I'm the only one who knows, I can always deny it, take it back. I can push it aside.

I thought about this earlier as I spoke to a friend, concerning my self esteem. Lately I've felt really good about myself! Felt that it's all going down the right path. But once we started talking I thought: am I really more satisfied with myself or have I just started to deny my lack of self esteem?? I don't think I have the answer...

And then the for the following question asked: Who am I ? Who do I wanna be? And how do I become that someone? It was alot easier to answer whom I wanna be than who I am... But the after some serious reflection and converstion I realized: I am whom I wanna be, I just don't know how to show it... Or more accurately I don't have the guts. So I got myself another life long home work; To learn how to be me!

And now... Time for bed! =)

Almost forgot...

Testade min nya klänning nu ikväll... Med svart bh istället, för rosa ;o) Den är som gjuten!! I look smokin hot :P Ångrar inte det köpet en sekund. Bästa på väldigt länge!!

Puss på dig!

More like the movies!

And it's Friday again!! The weeks just keep on rolling by. Sitting here, just did the dishes and now waiting for the laundry room to become available. Nothing much on the schedule today, at least not at this hour. I am hoping to finish up early here so I can go for some shopping before they close the stores. I really need a new sweater! And then, after shopping, pool time with Marie =) We've been there three time already this week! I simply love it! And I'm getting better. Almost as good as I used to be a few years back. Jimmy and I played A LOT!! And he taught me quite a bit! Miss that! Had a real downer yesterday though, but I'm hoping it'll all be fine again tonight!

Tomorrow I'm having dinner with Peter again! And surely, we'll watch a movie! Think we'll go for a comedy this time! Not that I thought the last film we saw was all that bad, but I've seen better! I think he had one in stock ;o)

Spoke to a friend yesterday and it seems he's having a bit of a down period... It made me feel sad too, he means a great deal to me and I hate to see him like that! A BIG HUG for you sweetheart!

I'm really looking forward to next week end. We're planning a game night! A lot of friends getting together, talking, having fun, playing games, having a drink and then maybe going out! Hopefully Sabina'll be here too! I really miss having her closer. We used to have so much fun, unconditional friendship in way. I knew I could call her in the middle of night, and we'd meet at the schoolyard for a smoke. Just talking. Or our late night walks... Wandering the streets singing! Aaah, those were the day! I don't have that any more with anyone. Not because my friendships with them failed or anything, but they've all moved. All my "bestest" friends now live spread all over the country. Of course I still have Monica and Marie, but it's not quite the same. We never had that kind of realtionship. Don't get me wrong, I love 'em to death and they're truly on the top ten list!!

Hmm... I think I just realized what I've been missing... Some one whom can act as spontaneously as I do. I love getting up in the morning, not having anything particular to do, calling a friend and going for a trip, winding up in Denmark or where ever. Just being free, feeling it! Haven't done that since this summer... I all of a sudden decided to go down to Lund to meet my boyfriend at the time... Be there to greet him after work. That day was like a freaking fairy tale. Here it was all warm and sunny, so I just wore a dress. But when I got down there it was pooring down. We ran through town, completely soaked, into the botanical garden... And before I knew it he grabbed me, we stopped and we kissed... It was.... indescribable. So amazing!! We'd only met once or twice prior to this day, so it was all new and exciting. But it was this perfect moment in time. It was like nothing else excisted. Now I'm not saying I was head over heels or anything like that, what did I know at the time!? Takes a while before you realize what you really feel. But even though it didn't turn out to be real love, it all ended and that our brief realtionship really didn't mean a lot looking at the big picture, I still say I had two, maybe three, of my best moments ever with him. Like a movie, but without the violins! Hopefully I'll have those kind of moments with someone that I actually do love. Someone who really means something to me!

Now I've ramble on, this was supposed to be a short thing... Better go and make my self usefull!

I'm thinking about sweety, cheer up! Here for you! xoxo <3

B'Bye!!

Biljard!!

Jaa, nu har man spelat biljard igen... Vääääldigt ovanligt ;o) Jag vann alla matcher utom en, men ändå är jag missnöjd... Spelade egentligen inte speciellt bra, var nog därför... Men jag träffade Jacob iaf, det var trevligt. Pratade inte så mkt, men har inte sett honom på jättelänge! Vände mig om för att låna en förlängningspinnegrej och där stod han! Hihi!!! O sen var det ju trevligt att se Peter igen så klart! Blir filmkväll på lördag och middag tror jag!!

Nej, nu ska Emelie sova... eller jaa... Lyssna på bok o sedan somna. Upp o ge blod tidigt imorgon.. Avskyr tidiga morgnar =(

Natt natt!

Oh, what a day!

Jaa, då satt man här igen!! Rätt trist väder ute idag, så jag har ägnat mig åt totalt onyttiga saker idag... Nästa iaf, har diskat och städat och lite så, men förutom det. Helt febrilt försökt hitta fler intressanta ljudböcker. De jag hittade häromdagen var på svenska och jag började lyssna lite smått innan jag skulle sova igår. Det var ingen höjdare kan jag meddela. När man lyssnat på engelska böcker låter svenskan verkligen banal och tråkig. Ingen klang och inte alls lika målande. Man nu har jag hur som helst hittat vad jag söker tror jag=) Gerard Doyle! Han är ingen Stephen Fry, men duger alldeles utmärkt.

Pratade med Bina innan, var så roligt att träffa henne i lördags, även om det bara var lite kort... Funderar på att åka ner igen som nästa helg eller nåt och hälsa på. Vi har verkligen gått igenom mycket, både hon och jag. Tillsammans och på varsitt håll. Men vi har alltid varandra!

Ska åka och handla om nån timme eller två och sen möta upp ett gäng inne i stan för ett parti biljard. Det blir inte så många som jag hoppats, men sex stycken e inte så illa ändå=) Det blir jag och Peter, Marie, Christine, Tomas och Angelica. Resten var upptagna eller inte i stan. Hoppas verkligen det går bättre för mig än vad det gjorde igår den sista matchen. Pojkjäklen gjorde verkligen så att jag inte kunde koncentrera mig alls. Sköt ner den både den vita bollen OCH åttan säkert tre gångern under en omgång. Då är jag distraherad. Jag är egentligen ganska bra på biljard, men det gäller att allt verkligen känns bra för mig. Inga pojkar med vackra ögon som tittar, inga personer man ogillar osv. Krävs inte mycket för att få mig ur balans i biljard. Det gick så jäkla bra till en början igår, verkligen bra. Var riktigt stolt över mig själv. Men sen... Jaa, vi får väl se. Förra gången vi spelade med Tomas och Angelica gick det urkasst. Var ganska nervös. Alltså jag tycker verkligen bra om Angelica, men vi känner ju trots allt inte varandra och under the circumstances har vi ju... eller ja... Hon är mitt exs nya. Och det är inte det att jag har ett problem med det, för det har jag verkligen inte, jag e bara glad, men... Jag vill att hon ska tycka bra om mig, för jag vill verkligen ha kvar Tomas som vän och det skulle göra det hela mycket enklare om vi också var det. Men jag känner mig själv, jag gör absolut inget bra första intryck. När jag då känner att jag vill göra det, så blir det bara fel istället. Vet inte vad jag ska säga och om jag väl får ur mig nåt så snubblar jag på orden eller säger helt meningslösa saker. Kan inte slappna av. Aaaaanyway, det går nog bättre nu. I'll disciplin my mind, hahaha!

Har kollat på två avsnitt av Brothers & Sisters precis. Gud, va jag gillar den serien... Den får mig att både skratta och gråta... Eller jag vet inte... De lever inte direkt mitt liv, men man kan alltid indentifiera sig med dem ändå. De är så extremt mänskliga, om man kan uttrycka det så!? Alla har sina "flaws" och... Den e underbar bara! =) Helt underbar!
Nää, nu ska jag inte sitta och dryga här längre! Hörs kanske sen!

Like an appiffany...

Oh, yes he was... He was like nothing I've ever seen before. If I'd looked into his dark eyes one minute longer, I'm sure I would've drowned. They were like the deepest ocean. So amazing. It's rare, meeting someone's gaze and not be able to look away. And the fact that the person didn't look away either is even less likely to happen. My complete being siezed to function. I'll live for this quite a while. I'll fall asleep with a big smile on my lips, that's for sure!

It's quite exciting, isn't it!? When you connect with complete strangers... You don't even have to speak, just... It seems people are afraid of eye contact. I used to be, never had the guts to look anyone straight in the eyes. It's like they're afraid of revealing some big secret. They say the eyes are the mirror of the soul, and I think that's partially true. But I also think you can choose what features to show. Not all through of course, generally when you have a really strong sensation about something, it's hard to conceal. For instance, if you're really sad. And of course people are not equally good at hiding their inner most feelings. I find myself, pretty good at it though... I have many ways... Sometimes, I really don't want people to know, and most of those times they don't. Sometimes I want it to be obvious, and then of course it is. And rarely, but it happens, I want them to figure it out, so I pretend to hide it, but not to the point where it's unrecognizable. My mind is a mysterious thing... Sometimes I don't even understand it, and I actually don't pretend to either.
I recently read in a book a quote that got stuck to me. Someone said: "You have to disciplin your mind" I thought it very clever, but at the same time a concept hard to grasp. How do one disciplin their mind? It's gotta be really hard. But since the sentence really got to me, I've been thinking more and more about it. I've decided to try. Not let my feelings overflow me so easily. Actually stop and think for a moment before I act. Because that's one of my biggest flaws, acting without thinking, and it's a feature I don't appreciate much. So, this is to be a life long lesson for me... A never ending home work. To disciplin my mind.

And by these word, I tend to finish the seventh and last book in a brilliant series.
Good Night! =) Don't let the bed bugs bite!

Suddenly Seymour

Kollade precis på Little Shop of Horrors, filmversionen från '86. Massa kändisar med småroller här och där. Man måste ju bara älska Steve Martin som den missbrukande extremsadistiska tandläkaren. Sången i filmen hade ju ganska låg klass måste jag erkänna, men jag älskar musiken för övrigt. Blev helt olycklig när jag trodde jag förlorat skivan, men den återfanns i min cdsamling trots att jag letat där minst tio gånger... Var lite kul att se filmen nu när jag snart ska åka o se the real thing. Blir antagligen i Göteborg! Hihi, visste att 2008 skulle bli ett bra år!! Två musikaler på knappt två månader... Wohooo!!

Pratade med Fia idag och vi bestämde oss för att strunta i de födelsedagsplanerna vi hade från början och övergå till att ha en gemensam fördelsedagsmiddag istället... All girls' night! Klä upp oss lite, äta och dricka gott och sen lite singstar ;o) Ingen fest med Fia & Em utan karaoke, så e det bara!!

Imorgon blir det antagligen stan med mamma i Lilli på förmiddagen och kvällen är reserverad åt Marie. Har två filmer vi ska kolla... Hoppas nån av dem är bra iaf! Men det märker vi!

Nää, nu väntar snart lite Harry... Lyssnade på en disc eller så innan sovdags igår... Måste bara säga att nu är det officiellt; Jag älskar Stephen Fry!! Hahaha....

Aaaaanyway.... Cya!

Here once again

Feels like I'm completely drained of words today. Not very like me at all... I wanna share, but nothing seems to come out. Wonder why...

Can't believe how fast the weeks are going by, it's almost scary. I had so many plans. So many things to do before work starts again, but I haven't gotten around to any of it. Hate it when I make my self to be inefficient. There are tons of things I could do, but for some reason I choose not to. It's like I really need to have some sort of plans to make the day pass without any agony. Even if it's just meeting mom to go grocery shopping for an hour at seven in the evening, it's still enough to prevent me from feeling bad. But if I have no plans what so ever... Oh dear God... Makes me wish I'd never gone outa bed at all that day. I feel no inspiration.

This I was afraid of... This was my big fear. Feeling like I did the last time I was unemployed. I know it's just a matter of months, weeks really, until I'm back att work, mowing the lawn, raking, weeding, tending to the flowers and trees. Watching the squirrels and the hares... But still...

Looks like Valentine's Day's gonna be a girls' night in! Asked Marie, Monica & Noelle so far... And Christine, but she wasn't sure yet... Aaaaaanyway, I'm sure it'll be nice!

Spoke to Monica today and we got to discuss old relationships and men in general. She told me about one of her exs and I immediately came to think about a guy I know. We concluded they were pretty much the same. See I met this guy, many years ago... seven I think... and we dated, hooked up and so on... He was in the military at the time and not here for very long. Any way, we've kept in touch for all these years and we still speak, I dare say at least once a week... As friends of course. We have both been through a number of relationsships during these years. He's in one right now, but seems utterly misserable. Now here's the point. He's asked me a few times if I wanted to get together over a week end for "a nice time" Meaning we would certainly cross the friend line. I'm really, really, REALLY tempted, but seeing since he's got a girlfriend, it's a bit awquard. To his defence he keeps saying he doesn't care about her anymore, it's not leading anywhere and so on... That makes me, and obviously Monica too, wonder why men are such cowards. Not all men, but too many. Why are they hiding? What the hell are they so afraid of? Don't they know it hurts more when they sneak around, than just to break up?
Now I know it sounds unfair, and I'm not pretending girls don't do it as well, of course we do. And of course people can make mistakes, trust me, I have!!! I hurt someone really bad. But like I said, it's human to make a mistake once. It hurts, both parts. But when it becomes a pattern... That's when it's all gone very wrong... I know a number of people who've made infidelty a habit, and I simply don't understand it. I really don't. Although, there's a "but". I don't believe in saying "I would never ever ever cheat... EVER" I feel it's impossible to know. It's like that old saying; You should never say never. Most people have good intensions in all they do, but things don't always go as planned. I've seen too many bad examples to believe in it. I'm not claiming to be some kind of saint, preaching high morals, cause I'm no saint, not at all. But I try my best to live a good life, be a good friend, daughter, Granddaughter and so on... But no one's perfect. We just all need to try and if we fail, just keep trying.

Wow, I've rambled on... Sitting here thinking about what to do the rest of the night... I've just started on the sixth book now, and this one I have no clue what so ever what it's about. Kinda exciting! Maybe I should ease my Harry-need ;o)

Nighty night

Fucking brilliant!

He's brilliant. He's actually really brilliant. I just didn't realize until recently. Feels good!

Yeah, here I am, yapping away again... Won't be long tonight, just thought I'd run by here to scribble down a few words... The couch awaits and so does Harry...

Looking forward to a nice day tomorrow... Doing some shopping, then baby sitting Noelle for half an hour or so... And then cooking dinner for my family... Serving cream- and almond paste filled buns for desert! Home made of course!!=) Made them today!

Yeah well.... going off stage for now!

Nighty night all!

Vårskrik!

Jaha, då har en ny vecka börjat... Tror nog det här är den bästa måndagen på länge! Det är ju rena rama våren ute idag! Kände det med en gång när jag vaknade. Det är en sån där dag då man får saker uträttade. började med att ringa alla samtal jag skulle idag. Fick visserligen bara tag på en tredjedel av de uppringda, men iaf. Jag har försökt=) Sen tog jag mig för att traska ut i skogen en runda. Har äntligen fått min ekologiuppgift. Det är helt sjukt vad man glömmer fort. Det är bara två månader sen jag läste boken, men jag har redan glömt bort så mycket. Lär nog behöva friska upp minnet lite...

I lördags var jag hos Monica på 25årsfest. Rätt trevligt faktiskt. Vi var sex, men blev sju! Jag, Monica, Marlene, Wallther, Emili & Freddan och sen senare kom Edin. Tror Monica uppskattade presenterna!=) Hade som vnligt pysslat ihop fina paket o gjort kort... Det är som en sjukdom för mig, ett beroende. PYSSEL!!!!! Fotar alla mina alster för framtida... Behov? Haha... Mamma tyckte jag skulle börja ge scrapbookingkurser... Hmm... Ja kanske det. Det är ju min grej. Ska ta tag i mitt textande också. Måste verkligen bli bättre... Kanske skulle ta fram min gamla kalligrafibok...

Ikväll kommer Marie och Christine! Ska bli riktigt nice! Film och gott! Känns som Marie och jag träffas så sällan nu för tiden. Vi brukade umgås varje dag. Det gör visserligen inget med lite distans, ju trevligare när man träffas, bara det inte går fööör lång tid mellan gångerna. Då blir man knäpp ;o) Vi har ju trots allt jäkligt kul ihop!

Borde kanske laga lite mat nu. Klockan är två snart... Känner mig så... Jag vet inte... Levande på nåt sätt idag! Kan inte riktigt förklara det. Visserligen sitter jag hemma nu framför datorn, men det gör inget. Jag har ändå energi liksom. Hoppas verkligen det håller i sig.

Igår var en konstig dag... Mådde verkligen dåligt när jag vaknade. Inte bakfull eller nånting sånt alls, bara ledsen... Sååå ledsen. Jag grät nonstop i säkert en timme. Kunde inte förklara vad det var. Gillar inte när det blir så. När jag inte vet. Det känns så obetingat då på nåt vis. Tycker inte alls att det är nåt fel i att gråta, tror det är bra i måttliga mängder... Jag kan störa mig så grymt på när folk i ett desperat försök att trösta säger: "Men gråt inte..." Why not?? Jag har ju uppenbarligen nånting jag måste få ur mig... Varför stänga det inne? What ever happened to a long hug in silence!? Det e fan det bästa! Bara nån som håller om en, utan att försöka... Jag vet inte... Men det är guld värt iaf.

Nej, hörs kanske sen... Over and out!

Addicted to techonolgy

It's a fact. I am. No doubt about it. It's sad, really sad. How could things turn out this way? It's suppose to help us, not cath us in its grip. Making us insane if it doesn't work. Unfortunately, we are all, one way o another totally and utterly involved.
I'd love to see how I'd react living a week or two without it. No electricity, no running water, hense, no internet, no TV, no baths, no flushable toilets... Just plain nature. Cooking over an open fire! WOW... Can almost see myself in front of the stove... Making soup. Haha... What a sight!

Have to get up pretty early in the morning. Have to find a gift for Monica! I know one thing she really wants, but the money's an issue right now... Soo... Then what? I could always offer her my services... But how dull is that to give? I'm sure it'd be highly appreciated, but I feel maybe I wanna give her something that lasts, not just a memory. Yeah well, we'll see what I can come up with!

Just had a sudden crave to go shopping at Simsalabim... Scrap booking stuff. Making cards and frames and... ANYTHING!! I actually think I'll go now! Yeah, I definitely have to!!

See ya later! =)

Valetine

Jaa, nu var det snart dags igen... Alla Hjärtans Dag. Vad ska man säga? Känner än så länge ingen ångest alls faktiskt och tror i ärlighetens namn inte att jag kommer att göra det heller. Förra året var lite skumt, eftersom det var struligt med Tomas. Meningen var att vi skulle firat tillsammans, men missförstånd ledde till dubbelbokningar osv. Hade iaf riktigt trevligt!
Jag, Christine och Mattias körde en bojkotta-alla-hjärtans-dag-kväll! Riktigt nice faktiskt. Middag, vin o skräckfilm! Inget äckligt kärlekstjafs här inte ;o)
Det här året vet jag inte riktigt vad som händer, men jag gissar på nåt liknande. Om det inte mot all förmodan skulle komma en riddare på vit springare, eller mer modernt, en atletisk man med het bil, o ta mig med storm. Hihi, vilka tankar jag har. Men ingen har väl dött av att drömma lite!?

O medan jag kommer ihåg det, idag fyller MATTIAS år! Happy B-day baby! =) Miss you hun!

Idag har jag varit så flitig =) Inte nog med att jag har tvättar vanlig tvätt, jag har bytt ut mina soffklädslar, satt på nya fina och tvättat de gamla. Har även skurat vardagsrumsmattan, vilket var extremt välbehövligt. Imorgon går jag på badrumsväggarna!

Hade en liten kise som nattade över hos mig i sängen inatt. En liten ynklig bortsprungen sak. Hon blev så glad att komma in o få äta o sova i en varm säng. Hon hade tydligen varit bortsprungen sen onsdag förra veckan, men nu e hon på plats hos sin rätta matte! Det gick bra faktiskt! Dizzy & Phoebe är ju som de är, God bless'em, men jag tyckte de skötte sig bra! Bara lite morr och fräs, men inte en enda catfight! Så stolt över dem, mina små gull! =)

Neej, nu ska jag hämta sist tvätten så kan jag slappna av ordentligt sen!! Enjoy the evening!