Change...

It's a funny thing this death business... We all know that any second something can happen that makes us horribly aware about our own mortality. Normally we keep on going like nothing could ever happen to us and maybe that's just a way to protect ourselves. But once something does happen, it's horrible... A few weeks back a friend of mine almost lost his life in a car crash... The awareness awakes, but maybe not for long...
Last week I leart that an acquaintance had died... I know how, but not really the circumstances which led to it. It still hasn't sunken in... I keep referning to him in a present sence. I can say the words, but my brain hasn't quite understood it yet. I had a long good talk about it today with a friend who also new him. I think both are still in shock, me the least. Anyway, while you're in the state of awareness you should try making it a habit never to part as enemies... You should never let the sun set upon an argument. Because WHAT IF... *shiver*
So to my friends and family: I love you dearly, never forget that, no matter what!

Another matter that's been hurting a bit is that I feel I momentarily lost a friend... A dear friend... Due to some changes in my life, that apparently indirectly effected her, we are now on some sort of a break... I do understand that one person's progress or victory (or whatever word you choose to use) can feel like a defeat for a someone else... I've probably been there myself at some point, but... I don't blame her, just as I know she doesn't blame me, but I miss her... And there's nothing I can do or say it seems that will make it better... I guess it's like when you break up with someone and you want to comfort that person... Deep down you know that you are the last person in the world who should be doing it because that'll only make things worse, but you just want to make things better. It's hard to watch someone you care for feel bad about themselves... The change can only come from within that person, but you just want to help... It's really frustrating...

Also Thursday I'm going to a funeral... My friends dad died a while back and I'm there as moral support... Need to get a suiting outfit, a black skirt, white shirt and maybe a black blazer... Starting thinking about such a weird thing as what color you pantyhose should be.... Black or skin colored!? There are always customs about those things although I think no one really cares... I heard somewhere that the most common question people ask before a funeral is what color the tie's suppose to be... Says a little something!

Anyone, tomorrow Daniel and me are going to IKEA!! =) Nice with a little trip! Got my new borrowed car from the work shop... And it's not just better, it's BRAND NEW, mind you! I simply love it! If I'd had the money I soooo would've bought it! Thinking about stealing it, haha!! Nah... Anyway, it's really economical, cheap to drive! Just gotta remember when I fill it up, that it's a diesel :P

Think I'll go off to bed now, gonna try to get up at seven tomorrow to do some laundry before we're off! Nighty night! =)

Searching

Sitting in my easy chair, just relaxing, listening to some Mozart!

Got back from Malmö at 4.30pm and then went for a walk with my darling Lei! Yesterday while on the bus to Värnhem I realized that we've now known each other for ten years. Can you believe it?? Ten whole years! I think it just keeps getting better and better.
Friday we went for a stroll in Malmö and wound up having coffee at Victor's at Lilla Torg, soooo cosy! And then today in Karlskrona! First a walk around town and then we went to her place, drinking tea och talking. Spilling our guts out! Although I think this time it was mainly me talking, sharing my issues. Point is, we always have these really great talks. We've been through so much together! <3

Took the day off Friday and went down to Malmö... Things didn't quite turn out the way I planned, but it was still okay! I checked out the new shopping mall and Värnhem, Entré... Could've spent hours there, but didn't quite have the time. Next time though, I'm going to do some serious shopping! :P Saturday night I Marie, myself and Emelie had a girls'-night-in. Wasn't really in the mood for partying anyway, so it came perfectly. Had I been home, I probably would've gone out though! Longing for X-mas day! Marie and I are partying our asses off :P Already decided, haha!

I've been on the roll for a while now and felt so damned good, but lately it feels like things are standing still... My motivation seem to be stuck on hold... My intense willpower have decreased and... I don't know!! I can't quite put it into words... Trying to hold on to the people who make me happy! Lei completely made my day today and Tuesday Daniel and I are having a horror-movie-night :D Really looking forward to it. I like his company a lot! He's really... Sweet and down to earth! And his little girls, o.m.g, they're the sweetest! You can't do anything but love them!!! =)
Friday Frida is coming for another gamer's week end! These things should really keep my mood up! =) Guess I'm just a bit tired! New week tomorrow, new possibilities.

Think I'll go make myself some tea...

A new beginning?

Oh yes indeed, there is... In a month my life has changed a lot. And all in a good way!
I can't remember the last time I felt this good about my self. It's absolutely amazing. I feel like I can do anything! And I can!

This summer I met up with an old friend from about ten years back, Eleni. Don't know if I've written about it before!? Probably... But anyway, she told me about this life-altering thing she's done and I got sooo inspired. A few months later I did the same... I joined a health club that just opened in town, mainly to improve my physical health, lose some weight, get more fit and increase my endurance. And mind you me, I'm on a good way towards all of that, but the most amazing thing, which I hadn't at all expected, was all the inner change it brought with it. I had expected myself to feel a little better of course, due the positive physical change, but this is so much more.

I've increased both my self esteem and my self confidence. All these decisions I've put on hold because of fright and uncertainty suddenly wasn't that scary any more. I applied to start studying again, I've applied for tons of jobs in Malmö and I'm trying my very best to get an appartment down there as well. I've got all this enegry, I barely know what to do with it. I've alreday lost 22 lbs, which I'm sure is a contributing factor... But all this sudden dare. Where has it been hiding all this time? It's like an explosion, and a damn good one! So now I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that it'll all work out the way I want it to.
I've applied for three different courses at BTH for next semester. Distance tuitions so that I can work at the same time, would I get a job. Psychology and Sociology are the main ones... And unfortunately I have to choose one them... I also applied for a shorter one, just 7,5hp, in the essentials of sociology. But jeez it's hard... I have a month or two to decide though, thank God.

I've also started working out, at least five days a week. Feels soooo good. Mostly it's the gym, but I've also started taking a class in Kundalini Yoga. Never tried regual breathing yoga before, nor having an instructor, but I was delighted to learn they were both big hits. All this exercise has done me a lot of good, but I have however injured my left hip. NOT good. Went to the physiotherapist, but I couldn't get a straight answer... Suppleness was her good guess, and maybe she's right, but... Of course I am... Ah, just hoping it'll pass until I'm done with the worst bit and then I go see another one. I got one recommended by Hanna, Kerstin's daughter. Good thing is, my hip is feeling better... My old knee injury is however making an entrance... Crap... Maybe I'm just not meant to run. =( I've spoken to Jenni and Johan about coming with them for a boxing session. I'm real excited, I think that could be my thing! =) Well enough about work out.

Last week end I went to Kalmar with mum for a genuine shopping spree. And for once, actually it might be the very first time, I found everything I needed. I got a new winter coat, boots, a pair of jeans, a shirt, a dress, a pair of leggins, a cardigan, a purse... Might've forgotten a thing or two, but those were important ones. I had a closet raid a few weeks back, sorting out all the clothing that are now too big for me to wear... All except for the ones that I can fix, by sew them up. Three whole blue plastic bags from Ikea full... And Sunday a few more went... That left me, for instance, with only one pair of pants to wear. Those new jeans were highly wanted, in other words.

Later today I'm going in to town to return the dress I bought, hoping to find something else instead. I also have to buy a new bra. Can't believe that every inch of me is shrinking, except for my boobs... The one thing I really want to diminish. Nooo, not one single cup size, just the messures around instead.. Eeh, well... Nothing I can do about it at the moment anyway... Besides, except for the price, it's always nice to get some new lingerie.

Last Friday I played pool with Daniel from work. Had a great time, I must say. I miss having colleagues to hang out with. When I worked with Home care there were always tons of people your own age... But here, except for Jonathan, I'm the youngest... It's me, and then Karin who's a year older than me I think... And then the youngest is Daniel I think... And Petter is about the same age as as well. Would be fun getting all together and do something. Have a beer, go bowling or whatever.
Anyway, tonight I'm seeing Daniel again! I'm accompanying him and his three little girls to the movies. I think there's a Disney production on the schedule =)

Nah, I think it's time for me to have some soup! Asparagus or maybe chocolate with a tad of mint =)

See ya soon hopefully!

Got any good suggestions?

Not even gonna bother say "long time no see"

God, I feel uninspired.... I don't know how to regain my go. I know you're suppose to visualize a clear goal, men but it's damned hard when you don't have anyone to share your progress and setbacks with. You don't realize just how lonely you really are until something grand happens. I have noone to say "Get your act together and don't give up" or give me a cheer or push in the right direction. Crap. I feel I could be fighting a much better fight than I am right now, but something's grabbed hold of me and is pulling me down. I need to find something to keep my head above water... But what?
Do you think there's a motivation tree somewhere that you can sit underneath and maybe pick its fruit and have a marvellous mind energizing feast? No? Me neither... Unfortunately I'm of the believe that we all make our own happiness... Of course we are not entirelly independent from others, there are a lot of paths to be crossed during a life time. I do want to make my own happiness, so bad, but right now it feels like I'm in a horribly dull place and in front of me "status quo" is written in huge letters.... I want to erase them, but I have no rubber... Maybe I should make a schedule and just live firmly by it until the worst is over.... I hate schedules, but maybe rutine is what I need.... No questions, just look at what's next and do it.... Like a robot... It's not like it's forever... Just a couple of months.... Manic during week days and free as a bird on week ends.... I wonder if I can make it work? It lies not in my nature, but maybe I should give it a go...

But for this to work I need my goals and they need to be crystal... Visualize Em, visualize!!!

I'm dying to go to Malmö soon. I haven't been there for months and months... Not like me at all... But now I'm longing for autumn in M.... Shopping, seeing all my friends.... Crawl up with R in the evenings. I'm seriously (nothing to do with Malmö) considering getting my tounge pierced now while I'm sipping soup anyway. Not this week end, but maybe the next one =) If I have anyone to come with me! No fun doing that yourself. Maybe I'll ask Marie!

Nah, maybe I should go on with reality for a bit, the bike awaits me and so does an episode of Gilmore Girls =)

Coulda, woulda, shoulda... And I DID!!

Normally I don't give any new years resolutions, but this year I did. And as you see the months past, but I am now fucking proud to announce that I have fulfilled four out of six promises. The fourth hasn't technically started yet, but I've signed up for it so to speak. The other three I spent half an hour fixing last night. I am now a very proud member of Unicef, Amnesty International and Greenpeace. It feels so good to, instead of saying how nice it would be if I did something good for mankind, now can say that I am in fact doing something for mankind. I know there's no such thing as an completely unselfish action, so this is a win-win situation really. I get to feel good about my actions the same time as someone, or hopefully many, will be fed or provided with clothes or education, someone will be rescued from torture and maybe some seals will survive due to some activists! I am seriously considering joining WWF as well, then I've got my wishes covered. Can you imagine how amazing it would be to volunteer for a mission in either of the organisations. To physically be there and do something life altering for someone or something. I've always burnt for the subject of the death penalty... I wrote a big essay on it a few years back. Horrible. And them Marie started that class at the University of Lund about human rights and I accompanied her and her classmates to a modern opera of Dead Man Walking, based on the film with Sean Penn and Susan Sarandon. Maybe it's a book before that, I don't know.. Usually is. The thing is just this... A lot of thing intrest me, and I have a really hard time choosing. There's human rights, there gardening, and decoration- and interior design. I can't pick one of them... How do you know which is you calling? I need a sign from above.. or at least some guidance counselling. I'm getting too old to hesitate, God damn it.
Speaking of something entirelly different, I got a present today from someone really unexpected. I love gifts!!! Most of the time at least ;O) Wee!
Tonight Marie and I are having a horror film fest :D A autumn comes it's almost mandatory. Once a week, when darkness comes, if there're enough films. Tonight, The crypt is on the menu! Can't recall at all what it's about, but as usual I keep my fingers crossed it's at least a little bit scary. Disappointment is often a companion though. But, never lose hope! =)
Nah, think I'll do some reading until Marie arrives!
O.a.o =)

Continued...

Apparently I wasn't quite done writing for today. I think it's because I don't have anyone waiting for me at home asking me how my day was... I have all these things to tell, but noone to tell them to... Should I get myself a real diary? Nah, I'd probably fall asleep while writing, and I'd get ink all over. I can see myself waking up the next morning, word printed all over my left cheek.

So let's see, what to tell? Oh yeah, since last, I've been to Belgium and England... Belgium with Christian to visit Camilla and Pierre. It's always a blast hanging out with them. They showed us around, sighseeing in Brussels, lotsa nice parks and castles, which I appreciated a lot. We went to a latino festival, nice dancing, lots of food =) Christian and I went to Antwerp for a day, strolling around, visiting churches and doing some shopping. I thought Belgium was quite nice, the only thing really bothering me was that everywhere you went, you had to pay to go to the loo. There's always a lady sitting at the entrance charging money. Fitting enough Camilla told me they are called Madame Pipi. Hahahaha! Anyhow, it was a really nice trip.

And then, in July, Marie J and I went to London... Can't believe it's been three years since the last time I was there. I sightseed Marie all over... All the major attractions you're suppose to visit the first time you're there... Mdm Tussaudes, Picadilly C, Covent Garden, Notting Hill, Big Ben etc. etc. And, one of the best parts was that I met up with Carol with whom I worked at Wakehurst Place Gardens three years ago. She updated me on eneryone, mostly it was good news, but a few minor downers as well. It sure was good to see her again. Unfortunately I wasn't able to meet up with Sian, but maybe next time! =)

Otherwise the summer has been quite good. Midsummer was spent at Marie's place, Mattias came down, as usual, from Stockholm and Frida and Patrik from Emmaboda. Charlie couldn't make it unfortunately. But we had a good time anyway, it was me, dating at the time Jens, Marie, Mattias, Frida and Patrik. We played games, ate a lot, drank within reason... A nice day.

Otherwise I spent every chance I got with Memlan while she was here. Rickard also, of course.

Last week end Charlie came down from Uppsala. God, I'd missed her. We realized it's been past a year since we last met, and that it far too long. We always have such a good time. Hope she'll move closer soon. <3>

Going away to Poland in two weeks with work. Could be fun perhaps... At least Håkan's going, otherwise I'd probably stay at home. I don't know any of the other's from Wämö... Daniel a little, we usually hang out at the pub if we run into eachother, but the rest... Nah... Hope to get to know someone else also.

Yesterday I missed Zlatan's first game with FCB =( FCB vs. Machester city... I know it was just practice, but it still would've been good to see. Not that I would get TV4Sport just to see the games, but I sure as hell will find a place to watch his first real game. Gooo FCB!! I feel I made a really good deal, deciding to cheer for Barcelona. Just a coincidence really, only reason is that I've been at their home arena. And a short while after I chose them, they won Champions League. I sure know how to pick them =)

And speaking of picking... I should go read the book I just picked out. Nighty night! =)

Well, well...

Wow... I wonder if I've beaten some kind of personal record!? Not a single word in almost three months. Since it's my nature to write, I always wonder what brings me not to write sometimes when I feel sad or extremely happy about something. Normally I would be ready to burst if I couldn't put it in writing, but maybe I've unconsciously found other ways to express myself.
I've read a lot lately... Maybe that helps.
And speaking of reading I think I've got a new favorite author; Dean Koontz. Now I realize he's no Shakespeare or any other of litterature's great Gods, but he sure as hell can right exciting stuff.. The suspence is killing me, you're on needles throughout the entire book. I know Stephen King is known as the master of horror and suspence, and maybe his books are more brutal and visually more grotesque but I've never been pinned to a chair before, not being able to stop reading. Now, King is still one of my favorites.. He's so multifaceted... He does not only write horror fiction, but quite beautiful stories sometimes... Maybe beautiful ain't the best word, but nice... Containing a whole other sense of... Can't find the word for it.

I've been a bit on the down side lately, although the last week have been good. Keeping my fingers crossed it'll last. I think this fall will be life alternate for me. I've signed up for a healthclub... A membership of a year where not only do you train the body, you also train your thoughts. It's all about disciplining your mind. Break bad habits, get new good ones. Achieving goals you put up.Turning your life into what you want it to be. I also looked as some schools. Both single classes and entire educational programs. Decorating designer and interior designer. I want it, but both my selfesteem and my self confidence are so low right now that the word university itself scares the living crap out of me. I don't know why I have so many doubts. Maybe it's because I'm flying solo this time. Last time I had Tomas. Someone to catch my fall had I not managed to get in. Someone for comfort. I hate that I'm a little scaredy cat, so afraid of failure. But by all means, this time I will conquer my fear and send applications to all the schools I wanna attend. I think it's quite easy to forget why we fight our way through life sometimes... It's important to get your priorities straight so you know what you are aiming for. And you should always shoot for the stars. I think I new friend taught me that. It's funny really how your mood can change from day to day. I had a talk with Marie about this yesterday. Some days you simply love life, the world is gloriously wonderful you barely know what to do with yourself. Miracles everywhere. And then the next day, not so enthusiastic at all. The world is a horrible place with death, greed and hunger. How could anyone want to put a child into this world full of hatred and ignorance? Yeah, I know, I sound like I suffer from M.P.D. hehe.
Anyhow I should be looking for my jewellery tongs. Mom'd bought a make-your-own-jewellery -kit and needed to borrow some of my aquipment. Fine by me, since I haven't made a necklace in ages. Although I should pick up on some of my old hobbies. I really need to learn to socialize with myself these forthcoming months! Might as well do something creative at the same time ;o) Or maybe painting? Or... Knitting... Or.... Hmm... You got any other suggestions? I'm all ears!

Right now I feel like I could sit here for hours, spilling my heart out. It's typical that I made plans... Think I've gotta go now... Maybe I'll tune back here later...

o.a.o :D