Love me just a little

Why is it that when I'm not near a computor, I so easily put words to my thoughts!? Entire essays scribbled down inside my mind. Things I want to get in print, but once I get access to a computer or a piece of paper and a pen, they're all gone. Vanished. Words don't come easy to me... Or... Well, that was a complete lie actually, words come very easy to me, but I sometimes find it hard to find the right words to suit my emotions. Words somehow seem do diminish the meaning of thoughts and feelings. I can only explain it by saying that the feelings are too strong and will simply blow the words to pieces. But occasionally I find just the perfect way to describe how I feel about a certain matter and it all feels so good. Maybe then I can get through to people, make them see what's going on inside my mind. It's a funny things actually, I've realised there is a huge difference between the way men and women think. If I would explain a fairly complicated, not always very rational thought, to one of my female friends, they understand what I mean 95% of the time. If I then try explaining the same thing to male friend in the same way, they are most likely to misunderstand me. Frustrating in a way, yes. I love the way me and my girlfriends think alike, it makes it all so much easier if you're trying to explain a situation or a reaction to a situation and all you have to say are five, six words and they know, they just know! On the downside, since we all think so alike it's pretty hard getting a different point of view. I suppose that's where the other sex makes its entrance into the discussion. In other words, both sexes are needed to achieve best result possible.

I'm torn between feelings right now. One part of me is fully alive and loving everything. How can anyone be pouting when life is so gloriously wonderful!? I've reached some new level of self appreciation wich I'm still adjusting to. Some kind of inner peace. I do feel I yet have much to achieve within that area, but at least I'm on the right track. Funny thing is, I never really tried, it just came to me. Maybe I'm going through a self cleansing, soul reviving therpy with just myself as a guide. Or I've learnt to absorb all the possitive energy most people are handing out, knowingly or unaware. Eitherway I needed it. I've spent so many years before being afraid of everything, hense depriving my heart and soul the chance of being free. I still have a long way to go, but every day I get one experience richer and no one can ever take that away.

I've caught a bit of a cold and yesterday I ran a fever. Fell a asleep a quarter past seven to the wonderful sound of Eva Cassidy. I always get sooo sentimental when I have a temperature. Crying, feeling lonely, imagening feelings I know are not real. When I'm sick, trust me when I say that I am the most pathetic, selfpitying, lodicrous excuse of a human being you will ever come to face. Nah, maybe not quite, but it can be pretty bad sometimes. I feel like the world has forgotten about me. At times like those I have to say I miss being in a relationship. Someone to give you a little extra love when you need it most. Bring you a cup of hot water with some honey in it and someone to stroke your hair while you're trying to fall asleep. Those are the small things in life you don't appreciate enough.
I kinda like my life. I have a job that I really like, an apartment I'm comfortable in, my family and friends close, a good sexlife (although the distance could be decreased), healthy hopes and dreams and best of all... The future is a blank page. I have noone to take in consideration if I wanna make plans, wich I love. But still... Eventually I'll want what most people want and I hate that those thoughts are slowly creeping up on me again. You've already figured out that it's love I'm talking about, right!!? I miss being appreciated, I miss making someone's heart skip a beat, I miss making someone unable to stop smiling when I'm around. The longing gaze that says: "If I take you in my arms now, I'll never be able to let go". To be completely truthful, I'm not convinced such love is out there for me. Maybe you only get a certain amount of chances... I know that sounded depressive, but that's not my intension. What I meant to say was, that maybe we shouldn't go through life expecting that love you see in the movies. I highly doubt there are violins playing inside your head as prince Charming strolls up to you and says that it has to fate. I know I shouldn't be so synical, but to be honest, it's been such a long time since I felt the butterflies in my stomach I wonder wether they're still alive or not. Occassionally they stir, but this just being caused by a romantic situation or thoughts strictly being the fiction of my imagination. I do that sometimes. Confuse attention with emotions. I do that when I seek something, when I feel something is lacking in my life or when the fear of losing something surfaces. It's some sort of twisted defence mechanism I think... A way to hold on to it, afraid that if I let there will be an empty space that I will not be able to fill immediately and that I think will cause me some degree of pain. Haha, I feel like Meredith Grey!!
I spoke to Marie the other day, she'd return from her "Eurotrip", more or less mentally intact. The latter to be precise, wich pains me great deal. I could almost grasp her frustration. My little sweetie. Anyway we spoke of getting together for Halloween. Hoping for a trip tp Malmö wishing I'll have time to see all my huns. Marie, Lei, Memlan and Rickard. I miss Rickard... I miss Emelie and Lei and Marie as well. Got a sudden urge to stay up late with Lei, drinking coffee talking about the old days. Wandering the streets in the middle of the night, singing til our throats got sore. Not caring what anybody else thought. I've realised that all of my very best friends I made during Upper Secondary School. I lost some too, sure, but the ones I made... Those are the kind you wanna keep forever. I can see us now, slowly trotting along with our Zimmer frames down the the local lake to feed the swans every sunday. Haha, talk about having a drifting mind, eh!?

Feel I should go make myself some tea for my throat and I guess this is enough reading for you anyway!! I'll see you soon! =)