Blue

Do you ever have days when you can't remember even one tiny little thing that normally makes you happy and satisfied with life!? Well I had one today and it wasn't pretty. I don't get it... I think I must've spent at least one hour lying on the sofa just staring. I felt so empty. Could it possibly be the fact that I've finally started to feel lonely? That I feel it would be nice to have a partner? Or maybe it's just these fucking Sundays... I don't even know myself, so how should you know? Although, you are free to speculate!

I saw Jens the other day. Haven't seen him since... Well, the beginning of March I think. It was a strange feeling. I expected not to feel anything at all, but... I don't know. He was sooo... Different somehow. In a good way. I think it's because this time we met without any expectations what so ever and that's when you see the true person. You see behind it all. That's why I don't like dating. People tend to act different when things are expected. Anyway we sat in the park for quite a long time, then had a stroll around Stumholmen. And after that we went to the movies and saw Slumdog Millionaire. What an amazing movie it was! It's been long since I saw a great film! It kinda had it all, you know. Love, action, intelligence, drama and comedy in one. It made me think about that old song about a soldier who bring a deck of cards to church and had to explain how in God's name he could bring such a sinfull thing into the house of God. He explained it all saying that each card had a religious meaning. Well it wasn't quite like that, but it resmebled some how. Anyway I highly recommend this film!!

Christian is moving back up north. Another one of my best friends far away. Sad really. I'm gonna miss him. But before he moves we're going to Brussels! The fifth of June we leave to go to Camilla and Pierre! It's gonna be nice to see them again, been nine months since the last time. I've never been to Belgium so I'm quite excited. I have an idea of it though, that it's gonna be quite alike Sweden. From what Pierre told the countries are pretty similar. I'll tell you more after the visit!

Think I'll log out for tonight. I'm really off today, nothing seems fun and I'm all rained out of energy. Hoping for a better day tomorrow.

Night!

Inspirational

I just finished reading a book. A great book. A book that I hope will forever change my life. It's called "Self-esteem Now!" by Mia Törnblom. Such an amazing woman, such illumination, such strong will power. Unbelievable! For every chapter I "oooohed" and "aaaahed" as I constantly realized things about myself and things about others in my surrounding. The "ahaaa-moments" never seemed to seize. I learned so much about myself. Things of which I had no clue what so ever about. Why we feel or act a certain way and how we respond to influences from the outside without even know it. I remember thinking at one point that each and every one of us should read this. It's like an awakening. I also learnt the significant difference between self-confidence and self-esteem which I up to this point thought were pretty much the same thing. Let me tell you it's not! It's not the same at all! Self confidence is your own faith in yourself when it comes to performing, your abilities, whilst self-esteem is your evaluation of your own worth. Mia writes alot about different exercises that will help improve you well being and strengthening your self-esteem, bit by bit. She, among other things, suggests a "I'm good- book" in which you write every day. Things you did good during the day, things you are thankful for, things you did less good etc. And also to create your own private affirmations for you to tell yourself face to face in the mirror. She presses the fact to tell yourself that you are good just the way you are and if you don't believe what you're saying; lie until it becomes the truth. It's hard to just sum it all up like this, the shortness of the explaination kind of diminshes the power of her words. So can I just, once more, highly recommend "Self-esteem Now!" Even if you don't thing you have any problems it'll surely help you understand others. I for one went out to buy a new smpty-paged book to fill with my affirmations and my "I am good"- stuff!
Having said this I'd also like to tell you that the other day I recieved the highest level of compliments I could ever hope to get. I'm not gonna tell you what it was though, butjust that I was speachless. It wasn't one of those ordinary "I've-never-seen-anyone-as-beautiful-as-you"-kind of comment, but a few words of my meaning to someone. I didn't even know I had the power to influence someone in that way. Let me tell you, it was a boost for both my self-esteem and my self-confidence.
Last Sunday I went to an "Asparagus-Sunday" in Kristianopel and surroundings with Kerstin and Berra. I can't even begin to express how much I like spending time with them. They're so warm and loving and it surely feels like Kerstin's my guardian angel. Even though there's a huge age difference it doesn't matter... I think we complement each other. My big sister... She has such a big heart. I truly wish nothing but happiness for her. She's done so much for others her intire life, now it's her turn to live. Anyway, back to the asparaguses... It was perfect weather and we walked around Kristianopel (there's no place like it) and then after a few hours we went back to Ramdala and had a great big BBQ... Berra's the shit!! He's an awsome cook! As an appetizer he made asparaguses rapped in ham with melted cheese on top, oven made. Sooo good. And for the main course bbqed meat, mushrooms, potatoes split in two and Kerstin and I made tzatziki and for the first time ever (my first time) aioli from scratch! It was all oh so very good! I've never left their house in any other state than stuffed, haha!
I have a little conflict of mind about the upcoming days... What I wanna do with my spare time... Saturday night I hope to get drunk and go out and have the time of my life and Sunday I'm going to Kalmar with mum. But the rest of the time....? Tomorrow evening, Thursday, Friday evening and Saturday... There are so many things I'd like to do... Torn....
A funny thing happened last Sunday. Or I don't know what's so funny really, but I wasn't really prepared. Jens came online on MSN (he's rarely there) and we started talking and he wondered if I'd like to get together soon. I was surprised , but in a good way. I really didn't think he'd care... It's always like that when you break up with someone and you say "of course we'll stay friends... I still want you in my life", but in the end it just doesn't happen... And when he said I'll call you, but not in a while, I was more or less sure that he wouldn't. After all, I hurt him. But looky yonder, he did! Well, I guess there's one more exception. Tomas and I still speak occasionally... Not very often though. I actually thought for a while that it would actually work out fine for us to be friends and hang out, but... I'm guessing his girlfriend's not really okay with it any more. She pulled a fit last year and I feel I got waaaay more than I deserved... Buuuut, she probably had her reasons. I'm not the one to judge! But it's a shame, I thought they both were very nice. C'est la vie!
Latey I've hade this urge to go a little crazy... Do whatever I feel like and just forget all my fears. Get drunk, pinch someone's ass... Dance as ugly as I possibly can on the dance floor... Go out in my slippers... Anything really. Just to remind myself that I am still alive!
Nah, time for an hour of pain and delight! Shakti!!
Nighty night!

And from the ashes rose....

I was really suppose to write something good here today.. Something interesting. Something important. But as I started to press the keys something else came out. The words just came flowing... I don't quite know what it is yet, but I think it might be the beginning of a short story. It's been such a long time since I wrote in that particular way I'd almost forgotten how great I am at it. And most important of all. How much I love it. I haven't written anything fictional since high school and let's face it, that was a few years ago.

Speaking of few years, there's a reunion party this week end. It is now ten years since the graduation from junior high. Time sure does fly. Anyhow, I'm not going. There's no way in hell they would ever get me to pay to have dinner with my classmates from those days. Actually I don't even think I'd go if they paid me. I was however thinking about going out. Well, we'll see. If I can meet up with Marie after her dinner with work, I might. I could use a girls' night out, and God knows she could too. I told her we could go man hunting, I think she misses someone. We all do sooner or later. It's just human nature. But then there's the issue to find "the one". When you think about it, how big are the odds really to find someone you love, that actually loves you back. Equally. Yet all around there seem to be all these happy couples. Sometimes I envy them and simetimes I don't. Love often comes with suffering. Maybe I've become scared... Or maybe... I already know I have a real hard time falling in love. It's something that hasn't happened too many times in my life and I'm guessing it'll take one hell of guy to make me fall in love again. Or should I say make me dare to fall in love again. Love is truly a give and take sort of game and you have to be able to bet some to win some. But how do you know? Since I've obviously not met the right man yet, how will I recognize him? Or maybe when you find him, you just know. Like there's a glow. A glow in his eyes. And what about the love that grows on you? Like an old friend that you suddenly see in a whole new light one day. Is it the same? Do they see the glow too? I think they do. Are there people who live their whole life alone and yet never miss the company of a partner? Do people work that way? People are herd animals, right!? I guess only time will tell. But it tears you up, doesn't it, when you seen people in pain and agony because of love or just simply the mear absense of it. We all see love as a beautiful thing, it's suppose to represent something pure. It also has a backside. Jealousy, revenge, unfaithfulness... But enough about that, we all have our own experiences and in the end that's really all that matters to us personally.

I watched the news today. Yet another fire in Rosengård... Everyday it seems, there's a new one. I don't get it. The police and F.D shows up, tries to control the situation, fails, retreats and the next day it the sam all over. Noone ever think about striking up a conversation?? Try to work something out?? Naaaaah... Let's do this a little bit longer, just enough time to ruin all the pretty cars in the neighbourhood. Don't the politicians relize that they're protesting against something? And don't the F-ing kids understand that they're not only destroying their home and their credibility, but also causing the entire country something? The damage repair falls on all tax payers in this country, themselves included. Vandalism never brings about anything good.

I was invited to Kerstin this Monday. It was so nice to see her home, meet her husband (who b.t.w. is awesome), have a chat outside of work. She is so easy to be near. So easy to talk to. And Berra, her hubbie, is the same! We had a walk with her dogs in the swamp-woods, had dinner and then for desert as we were sitting chatting in the livingroom, a yummy rhubarb pie! It was a really nice evening, hope there are many to come!

Tomorrow Marie is coming. I'm so happy I finally get to see my little sweetie. I have to say I agree with what she said the last time we spoke.. Our friendship only grows better and stronger by the years. So tomorrow I'll make some dinner and we'll talk all night long.

Now, I see my it's way past my "bed-of-needles-time" so... On goes the meditaion music and down on the needles go I! Nighty night!