Sitting here listening to Whiskey Lullaby... That song really got to me. There's a frihtening, strange familiarity about their destiny. It's like I've been through it myself. The guilt, the agony, the pain. It awoke something in me. I really can't explain it... I don't know whether it's from her side of the story or his, but I think it's her's. It's like this big sadness wollows up inside me in a way that's not simply compassion. It scares me. Makes you wonder about regression. Is there such a thing as reincarnation?
I feel I have a lot of emotions floating around inside me, but I don't allow myself to stop and recognize them... In some strange way for my self-preservation on the emotional level. Can't allow myself to feel too much, don't wanna wind up in that pit again. It's been a really long time since I wrote here, and a lot of stuff has happened recently that I've sort of been keeping bottled up. Felt it was time to release some of it, before it gets too big for me to handle. I find this blogging very soothing. It helps me to cope.
There has been a lot of talking lately about this burial thing, where the workers actually crush the coffin before refilling the grave with soil. All this disrespectfull, inhuman behavior just to avoid the ground from sinking a bit as the body and coffin decompose. Lazy fuckers! I honestly can't believe anyone would do such a thing. I sure am glad, that's not something that's going on where I work. I bet Ruben would die first himself before dishonoring someone's remains like that. He's a good man!
Wow, I think I have a lot to spill out. Went down to see Charlie this Saturday. Haven't seen her for nearly nine months. It was good to have her back safe and sound. We went to Malmö the night I got there and spent the night at Rickard's talking, having some wine, listening to him play his guitar, watching a movie. It's was really nice. A little too short a visit though, but hopefully Charlie and Tobias will come for midsummer! And so I'll see her again pretty soon. I sure missed her while she was gone...
I'm so torn between my emotions... I'm both happy and really sad at the same time and it's hard to sort out the difference sometimes. Complicated. I know I'm missing something at the same time I'm completely satisfied with my present situation. My mind is cunning that way sometimes. Confuses me. What remains is to figure out how to solve this, if there even is a way. God, I feel like a jigsaw puzzle and all I've gotten together are the corner pieces and a little on the edges. The motif is not recognizable yet. The worst thing that could happen is if I get half way and realise there are missing pieces that can never be rediscovered. Keeping my fingers crossed they're all there!
I'v been considering taking a weeks' vacation this summer... Or maybe even two, but not the same month. Maybe take one week around midsummer and then one in August. Think it would be good for me. Last year I hardly took any, just a few days. My co-workers thought I should, and I agree. You have enjoy the summer from a different point of view than the lawn mower or a deep grave, haha. Charlie and I spoke about going to Gothenburg in July or August to see the gardening exhibition. Seems like it's an international project that streches from June to September. I need to spend more time with recreation.
Now, the salmon awaits me in the kitchen. So...
"Love me the most, when I deserve it the least, cause that's when I really need it"
