Empty

I'm so incredibly tired at the moment. Can't quite explain why. Sitting here, just watched an episode of Boston Legal, thinking about what I'm going to do next. Had my mind set on painting today, but it seems I'm all out of paint. Or maybe I just can't find it. My ugly yellow spice rack is in desperate need of a make over. I was promised a new one as I moved in, but apparently I'm not gonna get one any time soon. At least not in this decade. That's why I'm taking care of business =)

I bet there are a million things I could be doing this very moment, but for some reason, I'm not. I could actually go to the store to pick up some paint, I could start working on my assignment, concerning ecology, I could be taking a long nice walk, do some Yoga... But what will it be? I really wanna go shoot some pool later, but Marie wasn't sure she'd finish up in time :( Wonder if there's any one else to call for such a short notice!?

I made a really pathetic attempt to do my nails earlier. Can't decide what I think of them. I guess they'll do for now.

I have this pointless emptiness inside me today... I know that if I don't do something today, if I don't make anything happen, I will surely feel even worse tonight. A whole day will have past and I haven't been to any use what so ever. Throwing the day away. Horrible. But... I can't even seem to pull my self together and go for a walk. Feel like I'm just repeating my self over and over again.

At least to morrow I have some things to do. I have my laundry and then I have to go to the stores. Picking up a new cat collar for Phoebe, she seems to have lost hers, I'm gonna get me some wine to be consumed very fastly on Saturday evening before going out to dance my ass off. I might buy some food as well, heard it's supposed to be good for ya ;o)

Bah, this is just depressing... Don't wanna bore you to death, seems a bit unnecessary.

BYEEEEEE

Confusion, my constant companion

Have I said too much? I don't know... I tend to really make myself confused sometimes. I say one thing, I believe it, but seconds later I question my own ability to be true to myself. Or maybe it's the act of saying it out loud. It feels like that if you've written something or said it out loud, you simply can't take it back. It's out there. It a fact. I guess that's why I think a whole lot more than I speak. Because as long as I'm the only one who knows, I can always deny it, take it back. I can push it aside.

I thought about this earlier as I spoke to a friend, concerning my self esteem. Lately I've felt really good about myself! Felt that it's all going down the right path. But once we started talking I thought: am I really more satisfied with myself or have I just started to deny my lack of self esteem?? I don't think I have the answer...

And then the for the following question asked: Who am I ? Who do I wanna be? And how do I become that someone? It was alot easier to answer whom I wanna be than who I am... But the after some serious reflection and converstion I realized: I am whom I wanna be, I just don't know how to show it... Or more accurately I don't have the guts. So I got myself another life long home work; To learn how to be me!

And now... Time for bed! =)

Almost forgot...

Testade min nya klänning nu ikväll... Med svart bh istället, för rosa ;o) Den är som gjuten!! I look smokin hot :P Ångrar inte det köpet en sekund. Bästa på väldigt länge!!

Puss på dig!

More like the movies!

And it's Friday again!! The weeks just keep on rolling by. Sitting here, just did the dishes and now waiting for the laundry room to become available. Nothing much on the schedule today, at least not at this hour. I am hoping to finish up early here so I can go for some shopping before they close the stores. I really need a new sweater! And then, after shopping, pool time with Marie =) We've been there three time already this week! I simply love it! And I'm getting better. Almost as good as I used to be a few years back. Jimmy and I played A LOT!! And he taught me quite a bit! Miss that! Had a real downer yesterday though, but I'm hoping it'll all be fine again tonight!

Tomorrow I'm having dinner with Peter again! And surely, we'll watch a movie! Think we'll go for a comedy this time! Not that I thought the last film we saw was all that bad, but I've seen better! I think he had one in stock ;o)

Spoke to a friend yesterday and it seems he's having a bit of a down period... It made me feel sad too, he means a great deal to me and I hate to see him like that! A BIG HUG for you sweetheart!

I'm really looking forward to next week end. We're planning a game night! A lot of friends getting together, talking, having fun, playing games, having a drink and then maybe going out! Hopefully Sabina'll be here too! I really miss having her closer. We used to have so much fun, unconditional friendship in way. I knew I could call her in the middle of night, and we'd meet at the schoolyard for a smoke. Just talking. Or our late night walks... Wandering the streets singing! Aaah, those were the day! I don't have that any more with anyone. Not because my friendships with them failed or anything, but they've all moved. All my "bestest" friends now live spread all over the country. Of course I still have Monica and Marie, but it's not quite the same. We never had that kind of realtionship. Don't get me wrong, I love 'em to death and they're truly on the top ten list!!

Hmm... I think I just realized what I've been missing... Some one whom can act as spontaneously as I do. I love getting up in the morning, not having anything particular to do, calling a friend and going for a trip, winding up in Denmark or where ever. Just being free, feeling it! Haven't done that since this summer... I all of a sudden decided to go down to Lund to meet my boyfriend at the time... Be there to greet him after work. That day was like a freaking fairy tale. Here it was all warm and sunny, so I just wore a dress. But when I got down there it was pooring down. We ran through town, completely soaked, into the botanical garden... And before I knew it he grabbed me, we stopped and we kissed... It was.... indescribable. So amazing!! We'd only met once or twice prior to this day, so it was all new and exciting. But it was this perfect moment in time. It was like nothing else excisted. Now I'm not saying I was head over heels or anything like that, what did I know at the time!? Takes a while before you realize what you really feel. But even though it didn't turn out to be real love, it all ended and that our brief realtionship really didn't mean a lot looking at the big picture, I still say I had two, maybe three, of my best moments ever with him. Like a movie, but without the violins! Hopefully I'll have those kind of moments with someone that I actually do love. Someone who really means something to me!

Now I've ramble on, this was supposed to be a short thing... Better go and make my self usefull!

I'm thinking about sweety, cheer up! Here for you! xoxo <3

B'Bye!!

Biljard!!

Jaa, nu har man spelat biljard igen... Vääääldigt ovanligt ;o) Jag vann alla matcher utom en, men ändå är jag missnöjd... Spelade egentligen inte speciellt bra, var nog därför... Men jag träffade Jacob iaf, det var trevligt. Pratade inte så mkt, men har inte sett honom på jättelänge! Vände mig om för att låna en förlängningspinnegrej och där stod han! Hihi!!! O sen var det ju trevligt att se Peter igen så klart! Blir filmkväll på lördag och middag tror jag!!

Nej, nu ska Emelie sova... eller jaa... Lyssna på bok o sedan somna. Upp o ge blod tidigt imorgon.. Avskyr tidiga morgnar =(

Natt natt!

Oh, what a day!

Jaa, då satt man här igen!! Rätt trist väder ute idag, så jag har ägnat mig åt totalt onyttiga saker idag... Nästa iaf, har diskat och städat och lite så, men förutom det. Helt febrilt försökt hitta fler intressanta ljudböcker. De jag hittade häromdagen var på svenska och jag började lyssna lite smått innan jag skulle sova igår. Det var ingen höjdare kan jag meddela. När man lyssnat på engelska böcker låter svenskan verkligen banal och tråkig. Ingen klang och inte alls lika målande. Man nu har jag hur som helst hittat vad jag söker tror jag=) Gerard Doyle! Han är ingen Stephen Fry, men duger alldeles utmärkt.

Pratade med Bina innan, var så roligt att träffa henne i lördags, även om det bara var lite kort... Funderar på att åka ner igen som nästa helg eller nåt och hälsa på. Vi har verkligen gått igenom mycket, både hon och jag. Tillsammans och på varsitt håll. Men vi har alltid varandra!

Ska åka och handla om nån timme eller två och sen möta upp ett gäng inne i stan för ett parti biljard. Det blir inte så många som jag hoppats, men sex stycken e inte så illa ändå=) Det blir jag och Peter, Marie, Christine, Tomas och Angelica. Resten var upptagna eller inte i stan. Hoppas verkligen det går bättre för mig än vad det gjorde igår den sista matchen. Pojkjäklen gjorde verkligen så att jag inte kunde koncentrera mig alls. Sköt ner den både den vita bollen OCH åttan säkert tre gångern under en omgång. Då är jag distraherad. Jag är egentligen ganska bra på biljard, men det gäller att allt verkligen känns bra för mig. Inga pojkar med vackra ögon som tittar, inga personer man ogillar osv. Krävs inte mycket för att få mig ur balans i biljard. Det gick så jäkla bra till en början igår, verkligen bra. Var riktigt stolt över mig själv. Men sen... Jaa, vi får väl se. Förra gången vi spelade med Tomas och Angelica gick det urkasst. Var ganska nervös. Alltså jag tycker verkligen bra om Angelica, men vi känner ju trots allt inte varandra och under the circumstances har vi ju... eller ja... Hon är mitt exs nya. Och det är inte det att jag har ett problem med det, för det har jag verkligen inte, jag e bara glad, men... Jag vill att hon ska tycka bra om mig, för jag vill verkligen ha kvar Tomas som vän och det skulle göra det hela mycket enklare om vi också var det. Men jag känner mig själv, jag gör absolut inget bra första intryck. När jag då känner att jag vill göra det, så blir det bara fel istället. Vet inte vad jag ska säga och om jag väl får ur mig nåt så snubblar jag på orden eller säger helt meningslösa saker. Kan inte slappna av. Aaaaanyway, det går nog bättre nu. I'll disciplin my mind, hahaha!

Har kollat på två avsnitt av Brothers & Sisters precis. Gud, va jag gillar den serien... Den får mig att både skratta och gråta... Eller jag vet inte... De lever inte direkt mitt liv, men man kan alltid indentifiera sig med dem ändå. De är så extremt mänskliga, om man kan uttrycka det så!? Alla har sina "flaws" och... Den e underbar bara! =) Helt underbar!
Nää, nu ska jag inte sitta och dryga här längre! Hörs kanske sen!

Like an appiffany...

Oh, yes he was... He was like nothing I've ever seen before. If I'd looked into his dark eyes one minute longer, I'm sure I would've drowned. They were like the deepest ocean. So amazing. It's rare, meeting someone's gaze and not be able to look away. And the fact that the person didn't look away either is even less likely to happen. My complete being siezed to function. I'll live for this quite a while. I'll fall asleep with a big smile on my lips, that's for sure!

It's quite exciting, isn't it!? When you connect with complete strangers... You don't even have to speak, just... It seems people are afraid of eye contact. I used to be, never had the guts to look anyone straight in the eyes. It's like they're afraid of revealing some big secret. They say the eyes are the mirror of the soul, and I think that's partially true. But I also think you can choose what features to show. Not all through of course, generally when you have a really strong sensation about something, it's hard to conceal. For instance, if you're really sad. And of course people are not equally good at hiding their inner most feelings. I find myself, pretty good at it though... I have many ways... Sometimes, I really don't want people to know, and most of those times they don't. Sometimes I want it to be obvious, and then of course it is. And rarely, but it happens, I want them to figure it out, so I pretend to hide it, but not to the point where it's unrecognizable. My mind is a mysterious thing... Sometimes I don't even understand it, and I actually don't pretend to either.
I recently read in a book a quote that got stuck to me. Someone said: "You have to disciplin your mind" I thought it very clever, but at the same time a concept hard to grasp. How do one disciplin their mind? It's gotta be really hard. But since the sentence really got to me, I've been thinking more and more about it. I've decided to try. Not let my feelings overflow me so easily. Actually stop and think for a moment before I act. Because that's one of my biggest flaws, acting without thinking, and it's a feature I don't appreciate much. So, this is to be a life long lesson for me... A never ending home work. To disciplin my mind.

And by these word, I tend to finish the seventh and last book in a brilliant series.
Good Night! =) Don't let the bed bugs bite!

Suddenly Seymour

Kollade precis på Little Shop of Horrors, filmversionen från '86. Massa kändisar med småroller här och där. Man måste ju bara älska Steve Martin som den missbrukande extremsadistiska tandläkaren. Sången i filmen hade ju ganska låg klass måste jag erkänna, men jag älskar musiken för övrigt. Blev helt olycklig när jag trodde jag förlorat skivan, men den återfanns i min cdsamling trots att jag letat där minst tio gånger... Var lite kul att se filmen nu när jag snart ska åka o se the real thing. Blir antagligen i Göteborg! Hihi, visste att 2008 skulle bli ett bra år!! Två musikaler på knappt två månader... Wohooo!!

Pratade med Fia idag och vi bestämde oss för att strunta i de födelsedagsplanerna vi hade från början och övergå till att ha en gemensam fördelsedagsmiddag istället... All girls' night! Klä upp oss lite, äta och dricka gott och sen lite singstar ;o) Ingen fest med Fia & Em utan karaoke, så e det bara!!

Imorgon blir det antagligen stan med mamma i Lilli på förmiddagen och kvällen är reserverad åt Marie. Har två filmer vi ska kolla... Hoppas nån av dem är bra iaf! Men det märker vi!

Nää, nu väntar snart lite Harry... Lyssnade på en disc eller så innan sovdags igår... Måste bara säga att nu är det officiellt; Jag älskar Stephen Fry!! Hahaha....

Aaaaanyway.... Cya!

Here once again

Feels like I'm completely drained of words today. Not very like me at all... I wanna share, but nothing seems to come out. Wonder why...

Can't believe how fast the weeks are going by, it's almost scary. I had so many plans. So many things to do before work starts again, but I haven't gotten around to any of it. Hate it when I make my self to be inefficient. There are tons of things I could do, but for some reason I choose not to. It's like I really need to have some sort of plans to make the day pass without any agony. Even if it's just meeting mom to go grocery shopping for an hour at seven in the evening, it's still enough to prevent me from feeling bad. But if I have no plans what so ever... Oh dear God... Makes me wish I'd never gone outa bed at all that day. I feel no inspiration.

This I was afraid of... This was my big fear. Feeling like I did the last time I was unemployed. I know it's just a matter of months, weeks really, until I'm back att work, mowing the lawn, raking, weeding, tending to the flowers and trees. Watching the squirrels and the hares... But still...

Looks like Valentine's Day's gonna be a girls' night in! Asked Marie, Monica & Noelle so far... And Christine, but she wasn't sure yet... Aaaaaanyway, I'm sure it'll be nice!

Spoke to Monica today and we got to discuss old relationships and men in general. She told me about one of her exs and I immediately came to think about a guy I know. We concluded they were pretty much the same. See I met this guy, many years ago... seven I think... and we dated, hooked up and so on... He was in the military at the time and not here for very long. Any way, we've kept in touch for all these years and we still speak, I dare say at least once a week... As friends of course. We have both been through a number of relationsships during these years. He's in one right now, but seems utterly misserable. Now here's the point. He's asked me a few times if I wanted to get together over a week end for "a nice time" Meaning we would certainly cross the friend line. I'm really, really, REALLY tempted, but seeing since he's got a girlfriend, it's a bit awquard. To his defence he keeps saying he doesn't care about her anymore, it's not leading anywhere and so on... That makes me, and obviously Monica too, wonder why men are such cowards. Not all men, but too many. Why are they hiding? What the hell are they so afraid of? Don't they know it hurts more when they sneak around, than just to break up?
Now I know it sounds unfair, and I'm not pretending girls don't do it as well, of course we do. And of course people can make mistakes, trust me, I have!!! I hurt someone really bad. But like I said, it's human to make a mistake once. It hurts, both parts. But when it becomes a pattern... That's when it's all gone very wrong... I know a number of people who've made infidelty a habit, and I simply don't understand it. I really don't. Although, there's a "but". I don't believe in saying "I would never ever ever cheat... EVER" I feel it's impossible to know. It's like that old saying; You should never say never. Most people have good intensions in all they do, but things don't always go as planned. I've seen too many bad examples to believe in it. I'm not claiming to be some kind of saint, preaching high morals, cause I'm no saint, not at all. But I try my best to live a good life, be a good friend, daughter, Granddaughter and so on... But no one's perfect. We just all need to try and if we fail, just keep trying.

Wow, I've rambled on... Sitting here thinking about what to do the rest of the night... I've just started on the sixth book now, and this one I have no clue what so ever what it's about. Kinda exciting! Maybe I should ease my Harry-need ;o)

Nighty night

Fucking brilliant!

He's brilliant. He's actually really brilliant. I just didn't realize until recently. Feels good!

Yeah, here I am, yapping away again... Won't be long tonight, just thought I'd run by here to scribble down a few words... The couch awaits and so does Harry...

Looking forward to a nice day tomorrow... Doing some shopping, then baby sitting Noelle for half an hour or so... And then cooking dinner for my family... Serving cream- and almond paste filled buns for desert! Home made of course!!=) Made them today!

Yeah well.... going off stage for now!

Nighty night all!

Vårskrik!

Jaha, då har en ny vecka börjat... Tror nog det här är den bästa måndagen på länge! Det är ju rena rama våren ute idag! Kände det med en gång när jag vaknade. Det är en sån där dag då man får saker uträttade. började med att ringa alla samtal jag skulle idag. Fick visserligen bara tag på en tredjedel av de uppringda, men iaf. Jag har försökt=) Sen tog jag mig för att traska ut i skogen en runda. Har äntligen fått min ekologiuppgift. Det är helt sjukt vad man glömmer fort. Det är bara två månader sen jag läste boken, men jag har redan glömt bort så mycket. Lär nog behöva friska upp minnet lite...

I lördags var jag hos Monica på 25årsfest. Rätt trevligt faktiskt. Vi var sex, men blev sju! Jag, Monica, Marlene, Wallther, Emili & Freddan och sen senare kom Edin. Tror Monica uppskattade presenterna!=) Hade som vnligt pysslat ihop fina paket o gjort kort... Det är som en sjukdom för mig, ett beroende. PYSSEL!!!!! Fotar alla mina alster för framtida... Behov? Haha... Mamma tyckte jag skulle börja ge scrapbookingkurser... Hmm... Ja kanske det. Det är ju min grej. Ska ta tag i mitt textande också. Måste verkligen bli bättre... Kanske skulle ta fram min gamla kalligrafibok...

Ikväll kommer Marie och Christine! Ska bli riktigt nice! Film och gott! Känns som Marie och jag träffas så sällan nu för tiden. Vi brukade umgås varje dag. Det gör visserligen inget med lite distans, ju trevligare när man träffas, bara det inte går fööör lång tid mellan gångerna. Då blir man knäpp ;o) Vi har ju trots allt jäkligt kul ihop!

Borde kanske laga lite mat nu. Klockan är två snart... Känner mig så... Jag vet inte... Levande på nåt sätt idag! Kan inte riktigt förklara det. Visserligen sitter jag hemma nu framför datorn, men det gör inget. Jag har ändå energi liksom. Hoppas verkligen det håller i sig.

Igår var en konstig dag... Mådde verkligen dåligt när jag vaknade. Inte bakfull eller nånting sånt alls, bara ledsen... Sååå ledsen. Jag grät nonstop i säkert en timme. Kunde inte förklara vad det var. Gillar inte när det blir så. När jag inte vet. Det känns så obetingat då på nåt vis. Tycker inte alls att det är nåt fel i att gråta, tror det är bra i måttliga mängder... Jag kan störa mig så grymt på när folk i ett desperat försök att trösta säger: "Men gråt inte..." Why not?? Jag har ju uppenbarligen nånting jag måste få ur mig... Varför stänga det inne? What ever happened to a long hug in silence!? Det e fan det bästa! Bara nån som håller om en, utan att försöka... Jag vet inte... Men det är guld värt iaf.

Nej, hörs kanske sen... Over and out!

Addicted to techonolgy

It's a fact. I am. No doubt about it. It's sad, really sad. How could things turn out this way? It's suppose to help us, not cath us in its grip. Making us insane if it doesn't work. Unfortunately, we are all, one way o another totally and utterly involved.
I'd love to see how I'd react living a week or two without it. No electricity, no running water, hense, no internet, no TV, no baths, no flushable toilets... Just plain nature. Cooking over an open fire! WOW... Can almost see myself in front of the stove... Making soup. Haha... What a sight!

Have to get up pretty early in the morning. Have to find a gift for Monica! I know one thing she really wants, but the money's an issue right now... Soo... Then what? I could always offer her my services... But how dull is that to give? I'm sure it'd be highly appreciated, but I feel maybe I wanna give her something that lasts, not just a memory. Yeah well, we'll see what I can come up with!

Just had a sudden crave to go shopping at Simsalabim... Scrap booking stuff. Making cards and frames and... ANYTHING!! I actually think I'll go now! Yeah, I definitely have to!!

See ya later! =)