Reaching out

I've been home today as well... My throat isn't what it ought to be. My left tonsil is really swollen wich makes it hard to swallow. Hurts like hell. Honey doesn't seem to do the trick this time, otherwise that's always the best cure. I really hate staying home from work so Friday I've decided to go back to work, no matter what. Anders is now lying on a sunny beach on Tenerife. Have to admit I'm a wee bit jealous. It sure would be nice!

I'm going to Malmö on Saturday! Partly because I really , really, really need some new clothes, (I've just got one pair of pants that doesn't fall off when I move) and partly to see Lei again. We have a lot of talking to do a expect and I wanna be there for her as much as possible. I've got no power over the situation what so ever, so all I can do is be there. Those kinds of choises are never easy to make, trust me, I know. It's hard to know what's right and to know what's easy. Anyway I have all the faith in the world in her, I just hope she feels the same way about herself.

I've had the craziest days...

Part of me is soooo happy. The union had a salary negotiation a while back and the results came Monday. More money's always an improvement. I also found out I'll have work during the entire year and hopefully a month or two into 2009 before the new season begins in April again. That means less unemployed weeks than last year, wich mean a lot more money. I really love my colleagues for fighting for me. I can only do so much without their support. Thanks guys!! =) And also a few of my friends helped to tribute to my well being just by existing. These are a few of the things making me really happy and satisfied.

The other part of me is crying like a baby. That's the part missing those friends I don't get to hang out with as much as I would've wanted and the part of me that keeps reminding me that I mlack the special kind of love in my life right now. I've thought long and hard about it and maybe I've figuered out what's making me act so strangely sometimes. About imagening feelings that aren't really there and so on... You know the chapter! It might not be the reason, nor the result, but I've realised I've got too much love within if it's possible. I hate not being able to spend it on someone, it makes me frustrated. I have soooo much to give, but noone to give it to. Sometimes it feels like I'm ready to explode. It's gotta be the reason why I throw myself into relationships I have no faith in to begin with, just so I can share a little. Does it sound resonable!? Haha, probabaly not, but what to do?? I am what I am and truth told I'm proud. I like who I am, I just forget it every now and then. Sometimes you need a little reminder from your surrounding.

Sitting here thinking about what kinds of clothes I wanna get. I've seen a jacket at H&M that I think I'll get. Pants... Well I don't quite know.. Jeans?? I don't know if it's just me, but I can't wear jeans without a belt and it's annoying. Hoping for better results this time. A pair of shoes or maybe boots... That could be good. The range of clothes is a lot better in Malmö than here in this crappy little town.

Think it's time to kick back for the night... Getting a bit tired again.

Btw, miss talking to you!!!

Bye!!

Destiny

Like a warm summer breeze you touch my soul

Like a feather in the wind I'm drawn to you

You don't yet know, but we're destined to be one

A love so pure, unstained

All the gifts of this life can not compare

To the tenderness and warmth you bring

I will surrender myself, my heart, my soul

And give you all, my love, without a doubt

Come share an eternity with me

And I will teach you what life has to offer

Without eachother we will wander

Like ships lost at sea

Our destiny awaits us, let's wait no longer

My love, my life, my heart

Temporary downer

Well, that'll soon be the end of this week... Feels good. Not that it hasn't been an okay week, it's just... Not having the best day today. Lei left as soon as we woke up to go back to Malmö. A lot of homework and labs to finish. I miss her already. We had a great night yesterday, talking for hours, drinking coffee util we couldn't close our eyes and then moved over to mineral water and grapes. We shared our inner most feelings and it felt good. Both her and I, I think, don't have anyone to spill our guts to if needed. I have all my dearest, closest friends on a distance and even though the phones are in order, it's not quite the same. I need someone to really listen to me. I need someone to hug me. I need someone to be my friend right now, but everyone seem to be way too busy with their own stuff at the moment and I get that. I really do. School and work and whatever fills your days is hard and I don't wanna be the one clinging for attention when people don't have the time, it's just... I really need someone. All I can do is reach out a hand and hope someone'll grab it. So far no one has. At least Lei made it a lot easier for me. I got to spill some out at least and it was like a stone off my chest. I know what you must be thinking, she becoming depressed again or she's in love... Or she's having issues at work or something else like that, but the truth is... I'm none of those things I think, but I'm screaming for attention. I need someone to see me before I vanish into some blurry fog. I refuse to let go of this feel-good-feeling that's built a nest inside me... Nah, enough of this kind of talk, let's focus on the ups instead! Thank you for last night sweetheart, it meant a lot! I miss the good old days! Love you hun!

I considering going to Malmö for the day on Saturday. I need to do some serious shopping. New pants, a jacket I've seen at H&M and maybe a pair of new boots or something. Pants are the top priority. Thought maybe Emelie would have the time to go with me, but she had this big exam coming up. Just realised though that it's not pay day until the week after... Crap! Should I wait? I have needs to fill. Not only do I really need more clothes, but I also started to get the urge to change myself and although it's expensive I thought I'd try filling the need with clothes instead of piercings, tattoos or new hair color as I normally do at times like those. Hoping for a good result!

I suddely got immensely tired. Think I'll leave this blog as it is and go realx in the couch instead. Think tomorrow will be a way better day than this one has been. C ya soon!

Love me just a little

Why is it that when I'm not near a computor, I so easily put words to my thoughts!? Entire essays scribbled down inside my mind. Things I want to get in print, but once I get access to a computer or a piece of paper and a pen, they're all gone. Vanished. Words don't come easy to me... Or... Well, that was a complete lie actually, words come very easy to me, but I sometimes find it hard to find the right words to suit my emotions. Words somehow seem do diminish the meaning of thoughts and feelings. I can only explain it by saying that the feelings are too strong and will simply blow the words to pieces. But occasionally I find just the perfect way to describe how I feel about a certain matter and it all feels so good. Maybe then I can get through to people, make them see what's going on inside my mind. It's a funny things actually, I've realised there is a huge difference between the way men and women think. If I would explain a fairly complicated, not always very rational thought, to one of my female friends, they understand what I mean 95% of the time. If I then try explaining the same thing to male friend in the same way, they are most likely to misunderstand me. Frustrating in a way, yes. I love the way me and my girlfriends think alike, it makes it all so much easier if you're trying to explain a situation or a reaction to a situation and all you have to say are five, six words and they know, they just know! On the downside, since we all think so alike it's pretty hard getting a different point of view. I suppose that's where the other sex makes its entrance into the discussion. In other words, both sexes are needed to achieve best result possible.

I'm torn between feelings right now. One part of me is fully alive and loving everything. How can anyone be pouting when life is so gloriously wonderful!? I've reached some new level of self appreciation wich I'm still adjusting to. Some kind of inner peace. I do feel I yet have much to achieve within that area, but at least I'm on the right track. Funny thing is, I never really tried, it just came to me. Maybe I'm going through a self cleansing, soul reviving therpy with just myself as a guide. Or I've learnt to absorb all the possitive energy most people are handing out, knowingly or unaware. Eitherway I needed it. I've spent so many years before being afraid of everything, hense depriving my heart and soul the chance of being free. I still have a long way to go, but every day I get one experience richer and no one can ever take that away.

I've caught a bit of a cold and yesterday I ran a fever. Fell a asleep a quarter past seven to the wonderful sound of Eva Cassidy. I always get sooo sentimental when I have a temperature. Crying, feeling lonely, imagening feelings I know are not real. When I'm sick, trust me when I say that I am the most pathetic, selfpitying, lodicrous excuse of a human being you will ever come to face. Nah, maybe not quite, but it can be pretty bad sometimes. I feel like the world has forgotten about me. At times like those I have to say I miss being in a relationship. Someone to give you a little extra love when you need it most. Bring you a cup of hot water with some honey in it and someone to stroke your hair while you're trying to fall asleep. Those are the small things in life you don't appreciate enough.
I kinda like my life. I have a job that I really like, an apartment I'm comfortable in, my family and friends close, a good sexlife (although the distance could be decreased), healthy hopes and dreams and best of all... The future is a blank page. I have noone to take in consideration if I wanna make plans, wich I love. But still... Eventually I'll want what most people want and I hate that those thoughts are slowly creeping up on me again. You've already figured out that it's love I'm talking about, right!!? I miss being appreciated, I miss making someone's heart skip a beat, I miss making someone unable to stop smiling when I'm around. The longing gaze that says: "If I take you in my arms now, I'll never be able to let go". To be completely truthful, I'm not convinced such love is out there for me. Maybe you only get a certain amount of chances... I know that sounded depressive, but that's not my intension. What I meant to say was, that maybe we shouldn't go through life expecting that love you see in the movies. I highly doubt there are violins playing inside your head as prince Charming strolls up to you and says that it has to fate. I know I shouldn't be so synical, but to be honest, it's been such a long time since I felt the butterflies in my stomach I wonder wether they're still alive or not. Occassionally they stir, but this just being caused by a romantic situation or thoughts strictly being the fiction of my imagination. I do that sometimes. Confuse attention with emotions. I do that when I seek something, when I feel something is lacking in my life or when the fear of losing something surfaces. It's some sort of twisted defence mechanism I think... A way to hold on to it, afraid that if I let there will be an empty space that I will not be able to fill immediately and that I think will cause me some degree of pain. Haha, I feel like Meredith Grey!!
I spoke to Marie the other day, she'd return from her "Eurotrip", more or less mentally intact. The latter to be precise, wich pains me great deal. I could almost grasp her frustration. My little sweetie. Anyway we spoke of getting together for Halloween. Hoping for a trip tp Malmö wishing I'll have time to see all my huns. Marie, Lei, Memlan and Rickard. I miss Rickard... I miss Emelie and Lei and Marie as well. Got a sudden urge to stay up late with Lei, drinking coffee talking about the old days. Wandering the streets in the middle of the night, singing til our throats got sore. Not caring what anybody else thought. I've realised that all of my very best friends I made during Upper Secondary School. I lost some too, sure, but the ones I made... Those are the kind you wanna keep forever. I can see us now, slowly trotting along with our Zimmer frames down the the local lake to feed the swans every sunday. Haha, talk about having a drifting mind, eh!?

Feel I should go make myself some tea for my throat and I guess this is enough reading for you anyway!! I'll see you soon! =)

In love with lovely life

Well, here we are again... As always, a lot of things have happened since last I took the time to scribble down a few words here. Where should I start?? Too much to remember it all I suppose. They're not likely to pop up in chronological order this time, but here goes.

For starters I've gotten a raise, wich I'm very proud of! My very first one!! I have to say that being a season worker isn't half bad at all. We seem to have nearly all the benefits the regulars have and are treated equally. Well... At least I am. Can't claim that I know for a fact it's the same at Wämö, but let's hope it is! I really like my job. I like my co-workers, I really couldn't ask for better colleagues. I like the pay check that omes with the mail each month. To sum it up, it's all good.

A few weeks ago a got an offer to go to Spain for eleven days with someone I barely know. I'm always such a coward, but this time... THIS TIME I didn't bail out. And there are absolutely no regrets what so ever! I had a blast, even though I "retreated from enemy ground" from time to time to gather my thoughts. It's not easy spending 24/7 with a lot of people when you're used to living on you own. It was quite the trial for me. Well, besides from that, I had the best time ever. We lived in a small village in the north of Spain, Pineda de Mar, about 100km from the French border, right by the Mediterranean. Had about a hundred meters down to the beach that stretched for mile and miles. Soooo beautiful! We visited quite a few places, Girona, Figueres, Blanes and Barcelona, among others. Barcelona was by far my favourite (even though Blanes probably has the most gorgeous settings I've ever seen). There was so much to see in the big city. First time in B we went on a tourist bus wich took us to the major attractions. We started off with La Sagrada Familia, Gaudí's (according to me) masterpiece. I have never seen anything like it. Such an amazing building! So unique and beautiful, but yet so provocative and unconventional. After reading every single line about Antoni Gaudí and his work it was chrystal clear. To me, the man was a genius, a true genius!! We then went to Güell Parc wich also contains a lot of Gaudí's work. We then passed through the olympic village and La Diagonal. We passed the huge fotball stadium (wich we later visited) and back to Placa Catalanya where we started. We then strolled along Las Ramblas, fearing every second that a pick pocket will cross your path. The entire Ramblas was filled with living statues and people selling things. Anyway, we passed through it, down to the dock, Port Vell. We went to a huge aquarium and the second time we went for a shoppingstroll and the went to an I-max studio. Well that was just a little about the visit to Spain, I won't bore you with further details. The bottom line is that this trip awoke something inside me. A need, an urge... Let's just say I've already started thinking about the next trip. Or to be more accurate, the upcoming tripS. Got "invited" by Pierre to come to Brussels and I asked Christian about it, and if things go as I hope they will, I'll be going to Belgium in a few months =) I also started doing some research for my backpacking trip. I've become a true dreamer!

I have to say I've changed these past few months. I've changed for the better. Can't put my finger on exactly what has changed, but I feel different. Stronger, more harmonized. In love with life. I've started to allow thing to fill up my sences completely. It lets me connect with sides of my yet fairly unexplored. Looking forward to getting to know myself better!! The truth is, I'm a really great girl, I've started to realise that and it feels good. GOOOO ME!!!!!!

This weekend Rickard is coming. You know how I seldom miss people, but I've actually missed hanging out a bit with him. Him and Emelie of course. I got so happy I nearly jumped, when I learned Emelie was going to Lund instead of Umeå. For the first time in over six years, my Memla is living close enough for me to see her more than once a year!!! Wohooooo!! Hugs and kisses for you Sweetie! Love you!!

Nah, think it's time to retire for the night. The faster I go to sleep, the faster it's a new day and the faster it's a new day, the faster it's Friday, and that means the weekend is nearly there wich means NO WORK!!! Nighty night!! =)