Change...

It's a funny thing this death business... We all know that any second something can happen that makes us horribly aware about our own mortality. Normally we keep on going like nothing could ever happen to us and maybe that's just a way to protect ourselves. But once something does happen, it's horrible... A few weeks back a friend of mine almost lost his life in a car crash... The awareness awakes, but maybe not for long...
Last week I leart that an acquaintance had died... I know how, but not really the circumstances which led to it. It still hasn't sunken in... I keep referning to him in a present sence. I can say the words, but my brain hasn't quite understood it yet. I had a long good talk about it today with a friend who also new him. I think both are still in shock, me the least. Anyway, while you're in the state of awareness you should try making it a habit never to part as enemies... You should never let the sun set upon an argument. Because WHAT IF... *shiver*
So to my friends and family: I love you dearly, never forget that, no matter what!

Another matter that's been hurting a bit is that I feel I momentarily lost a friend... A dear friend... Due to some changes in my life, that apparently indirectly effected her, we are now on some sort of a break... I do understand that one person's progress or victory (or whatever word you choose to use) can feel like a defeat for a someone else... I've probably been there myself at some point, but... I don't blame her, just as I know she doesn't blame me, but I miss her... And there's nothing I can do or say it seems that will make it better... I guess it's like when you break up with someone and you want to comfort that person... Deep down you know that you are the last person in the world who should be doing it because that'll only make things worse, but you just want to make things better. It's hard to watch someone you care for feel bad about themselves... The change can only come from within that person, but you just want to help... It's really frustrating...

Also Thursday I'm going to a funeral... My friends dad died a while back and I'm there as moral support... Need to get a suiting outfit, a black skirt, white shirt and maybe a black blazer... Starting thinking about such a weird thing as what color you pantyhose should be.... Black or skin colored!? There are always customs about those things although I think no one really cares... I heard somewhere that the most common question people ask before a funeral is what color the tie's suppose to be... Says a little something!

Anyone, tomorrow Daniel and me are going to IKEA!! =) Nice with a little trip! Got my new borrowed car from the work shop... And it's not just better, it's BRAND NEW, mind you! I simply love it! If I'd had the money I soooo would've bought it! Thinking about stealing it, haha!! Nah... Anyway, it's really economical, cheap to drive! Just gotta remember when I fill it up, that it's a diesel :P

Think I'll go off to bed now, gonna try to get up at seven tomorrow to do some laundry before we're off! Nighty night! =)

Searching

Sitting in my easy chair, just relaxing, listening to some Mozart!

Got back from Malmö at 4.30pm and then went for a walk with my darling Lei! Yesterday while on the bus to Värnhem I realized that we've now known each other for ten years. Can you believe it?? Ten whole years! I think it just keeps getting better and better.
Friday we went for a stroll in Malmö and wound up having coffee at Victor's at Lilla Torg, soooo cosy! And then today in Karlskrona! First a walk around town and then we went to her place, drinking tea och talking. Spilling our guts out! Although I think this time it was mainly me talking, sharing my issues. Point is, we always have these really great talks. We've been through so much together! <3

Took the day off Friday and went down to Malmö... Things didn't quite turn out the way I planned, but it was still okay! I checked out the new shopping mall and Värnhem, Entré... Could've spent hours there, but didn't quite have the time. Next time though, I'm going to do some serious shopping! :P Saturday night I Marie, myself and Emelie had a girls'-night-in. Wasn't really in the mood for partying anyway, so it came perfectly. Had I been home, I probably would've gone out though! Longing for X-mas day! Marie and I are partying our asses off :P Already decided, haha!

I've been on the roll for a while now and felt so damned good, but lately it feels like things are standing still... My motivation seem to be stuck on hold... My intense willpower have decreased and... I don't know!! I can't quite put it into words... Trying to hold on to the people who make me happy! Lei completely made my day today and Tuesday Daniel and I are having a horror-movie-night :D Really looking forward to it. I like his company a lot! He's really... Sweet and down to earth! And his little girls, o.m.g, they're the sweetest! You can't do anything but love them!!! =)
Friday Frida is coming for another gamer's week end! These things should really keep my mood up! =) Guess I'm just a bit tired! New week tomorrow, new possibilities.

Think I'll go make myself some tea...

A new beginning?

Oh yes indeed, there is... In a month my life has changed a lot. And all in a good way!
I can't remember the last time I felt this good about my self. It's absolutely amazing. I feel like I can do anything! And I can!

This summer I met up with an old friend from about ten years back, Eleni. Don't know if I've written about it before!? Probably... But anyway, she told me about this life-altering thing she's done and I got sooo inspired. A few months later I did the same... I joined a health club that just opened in town, mainly to improve my physical health, lose some weight, get more fit and increase my endurance. And mind you me, I'm on a good way towards all of that, but the most amazing thing, which I hadn't at all expected, was all the inner change it brought with it. I had expected myself to feel a little better of course, due the positive physical change, but this is so much more.

I've increased both my self esteem and my self confidence. All these decisions I've put on hold because of fright and uncertainty suddenly wasn't that scary any more. I applied to start studying again, I've applied for tons of jobs in Malmö and I'm trying my very best to get an appartment down there as well. I've got all this enegry, I barely know what to do with it. I've alreday lost 22 lbs, which I'm sure is a contributing factor... But all this sudden dare. Where has it been hiding all this time? It's like an explosion, and a damn good one! So now I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that it'll all work out the way I want it to.
I've applied for three different courses at BTH for next semester. Distance tuitions so that I can work at the same time, would I get a job. Psychology and Sociology are the main ones... And unfortunately I have to choose one them... I also applied for a shorter one, just 7,5hp, in the essentials of sociology. But jeez it's hard... I have a month or two to decide though, thank God.

I've also started working out, at least five days a week. Feels soooo good. Mostly it's the gym, but I've also started taking a class in Kundalini Yoga. Never tried regual breathing yoga before, nor having an instructor, but I was delighted to learn they were both big hits. All this exercise has done me a lot of good, but I have however injured my left hip. NOT good. Went to the physiotherapist, but I couldn't get a straight answer... Suppleness was her good guess, and maybe she's right, but... Of course I am... Ah, just hoping it'll pass until I'm done with the worst bit and then I go see another one. I got one recommended by Hanna, Kerstin's daughter. Good thing is, my hip is feeling better... My old knee injury is however making an entrance... Crap... Maybe I'm just not meant to run. =( I've spoken to Jenni and Johan about coming with them for a boxing session. I'm real excited, I think that could be my thing! =) Well enough about work out.

Last week end I went to Kalmar with mum for a genuine shopping spree. And for once, actually it might be the very first time, I found everything I needed. I got a new winter coat, boots, a pair of jeans, a shirt, a dress, a pair of leggins, a cardigan, a purse... Might've forgotten a thing or two, but those were important ones. I had a closet raid a few weeks back, sorting out all the clothing that are now too big for me to wear... All except for the ones that I can fix, by sew them up. Three whole blue plastic bags from Ikea full... And Sunday a few more went... That left me, for instance, with only one pair of pants to wear. Those new jeans were highly wanted, in other words.

Later today I'm going in to town to return the dress I bought, hoping to find something else instead. I also have to buy a new bra. Can't believe that every inch of me is shrinking, except for my boobs... The one thing I really want to diminish. Nooo, not one single cup size, just the messures around instead.. Eeh, well... Nothing I can do about it at the moment anyway... Besides, except for the price, it's always nice to get some new lingerie.

Last Friday I played pool with Daniel from work. Had a great time, I must say. I miss having colleagues to hang out with. When I worked with Home care there were always tons of people your own age... But here, except for Jonathan, I'm the youngest... It's me, and then Karin who's a year older than me I think... And then the youngest is Daniel I think... And Petter is about the same age as as well. Would be fun getting all together and do something. Have a beer, go bowling or whatever.
Anyway, tonight I'm seeing Daniel again! I'm accompanying him and his three little girls to the movies. I think there's a Disney production on the schedule =)

Nah, I think it's time for me to have some soup! Asparagus or maybe chocolate with a tad of mint =)

See ya soon hopefully!

Got any good suggestions?

Not even gonna bother say "long time no see"

God, I feel uninspired.... I don't know how to regain my go. I know you're suppose to visualize a clear goal, men but it's damned hard when you don't have anyone to share your progress and setbacks with. You don't realize just how lonely you really are until something grand happens. I have noone to say "Get your act together and don't give up" or give me a cheer or push in the right direction. Crap. I feel I could be fighting a much better fight than I am right now, but something's grabbed hold of me and is pulling me down. I need to find something to keep my head above water... But what?
Do you think there's a motivation tree somewhere that you can sit underneath and maybe pick its fruit and have a marvellous mind energizing feast? No? Me neither... Unfortunately I'm of the believe that we all make our own happiness... Of course we are not entirelly independent from others, there are a lot of paths to be crossed during a life time. I do want to make my own happiness, so bad, but right now it feels like I'm in a horribly dull place and in front of me "status quo" is written in huge letters.... I want to erase them, but I have no rubber... Maybe I should make a schedule and just live firmly by it until the worst is over.... I hate schedules, but maybe rutine is what I need.... No questions, just look at what's next and do it.... Like a robot... It's not like it's forever... Just a couple of months.... Manic during week days and free as a bird on week ends.... I wonder if I can make it work? It lies not in my nature, but maybe I should give it a go...

But for this to work I need my goals and they need to be crystal... Visualize Em, visualize!!!

I'm dying to go to Malmö soon. I haven't been there for months and months... Not like me at all... But now I'm longing for autumn in M.... Shopping, seeing all my friends.... Crawl up with R in the evenings. I'm seriously (nothing to do with Malmö) considering getting my tounge pierced now while I'm sipping soup anyway. Not this week end, but maybe the next one =) If I have anyone to come with me! No fun doing that yourself. Maybe I'll ask Marie!

Nah, maybe I should go on with reality for a bit, the bike awaits me and so does an episode of Gilmore Girls =)

Coulda, woulda, shoulda... And I DID!!

Normally I don't give any new years resolutions, but this year I did. And as you see the months past, but I am now fucking proud to announce that I have fulfilled four out of six promises. The fourth hasn't technically started yet, but I've signed up for it so to speak. The other three I spent half an hour fixing last night. I am now a very proud member of Unicef, Amnesty International and Greenpeace. It feels so good to, instead of saying how nice it would be if I did something good for mankind, now can say that I am in fact doing something for mankind. I know there's no such thing as an completely unselfish action, so this is a win-win situation really. I get to feel good about my actions the same time as someone, or hopefully many, will be fed or provided with clothes or education, someone will be rescued from torture and maybe some seals will survive due to some activists! I am seriously considering joining WWF as well, then I've got my wishes covered. Can you imagine how amazing it would be to volunteer for a mission in either of the organisations. To physically be there and do something life altering for someone or something. I've always burnt for the subject of the death penalty... I wrote a big essay on it a few years back. Horrible. And them Marie started that class at the University of Lund about human rights and I accompanied her and her classmates to a modern opera of Dead Man Walking, based on the film with Sean Penn and Susan Sarandon. Maybe it's a book before that, I don't know.. Usually is. The thing is just this... A lot of thing intrest me, and I have a really hard time choosing. There's human rights, there gardening, and decoration- and interior design. I can't pick one of them... How do you know which is you calling? I need a sign from above.. or at least some guidance counselling. I'm getting too old to hesitate, God damn it.
Speaking of something entirelly different, I got a present today from someone really unexpected. I love gifts!!! Most of the time at least ;O) Wee!
Tonight Marie and I are having a horror film fest :D A autumn comes it's almost mandatory. Once a week, when darkness comes, if there're enough films. Tonight, The crypt is on the menu! Can't recall at all what it's about, but as usual I keep my fingers crossed it's at least a little bit scary. Disappointment is often a companion though. But, never lose hope! =)
Nah, think I'll do some reading until Marie arrives!
O.a.o =)

Continued...

Apparently I wasn't quite done writing for today. I think it's because I don't have anyone waiting for me at home asking me how my day was... I have all these things to tell, but noone to tell them to... Should I get myself a real diary? Nah, I'd probably fall asleep while writing, and I'd get ink all over. I can see myself waking up the next morning, word printed all over my left cheek.

So let's see, what to tell? Oh yeah, since last, I've been to Belgium and England... Belgium with Christian to visit Camilla and Pierre. It's always a blast hanging out with them. They showed us around, sighseeing in Brussels, lotsa nice parks and castles, which I appreciated a lot. We went to a latino festival, nice dancing, lots of food =) Christian and I went to Antwerp for a day, strolling around, visiting churches and doing some shopping. I thought Belgium was quite nice, the only thing really bothering me was that everywhere you went, you had to pay to go to the loo. There's always a lady sitting at the entrance charging money. Fitting enough Camilla told me they are called Madame Pipi. Hahahaha! Anyhow, it was a really nice trip.

And then, in July, Marie J and I went to London... Can't believe it's been three years since the last time I was there. I sightseed Marie all over... All the major attractions you're suppose to visit the first time you're there... Mdm Tussaudes, Picadilly C, Covent Garden, Notting Hill, Big Ben etc. etc. And, one of the best parts was that I met up with Carol with whom I worked at Wakehurst Place Gardens three years ago. She updated me on eneryone, mostly it was good news, but a few minor downers as well. It sure was good to see her again. Unfortunately I wasn't able to meet up with Sian, but maybe next time! =)

Otherwise the summer has been quite good. Midsummer was spent at Marie's place, Mattias came down, as usual, from Stockholm and Frida and Patrik from Emmaboda. Charlie couldn't make it unfortunately. But we had a good time anyway, it was me, dating at the time Jens, Marie, Mattias, Frida and Patrik. We played games, ate a lot, drank within reason... A nice day.

Otherwise I spent every chance I got with Memlan while she was here. Rickard also, of course.

Last week end Charlie came down from Uppsala. God, I'd missed her. We realized it's been past a year since we last met, and that it far too long. We always have such a good time. Hope she'll move closer soon. <3>

Going away to Poland in two weeks with work. Could be fun perhaps... At least Håkan's going, otherwise I'd probably stay at home. I don't know any of the other's from Wämö... Daniel a little, we usually hang out at the pub if we run into eachother, but the rest... Nah... Hope to get to know someone else also.

Yesterday I missed Zlatan's first game with FCB =( FCB vs. Machester city... I know it was just practice, but it still would've been good to see. Not that I would get TV4Sport just to see the games, but I sure as hell will find a place to watch his first real game. Gooo FCB!! I feel I made a really good deal, deciding to cheer for Barcelona. Just a coincidence really, only reason is that I've been at their home arena. And a short while after I chose them, they won Champions League. I sure know how to pick them =)

And speaking of picking... I should go read the book I just picked out. Nighty night! =)

Well, well...

Wow... I wonder if I've beaten some kind of personal record!? Not a single word in almost three months. Since it's my nature to write, I always wonder what brings me not to write sometimes when I feel sad or extremely happy about something. Normally I would be ready to burst if I couldn't put it in writing, but maybe I've unconsciously found other ways to express myself.
I've read a lot lately... Maybe that helps.
And speaking of reading I think I've got a new favorite author; Dean Koontz. Now I realize he's no Shakespeare or any other of litterature's great Gods, but he sure as hell can right exciting stuff.. The suspence is killing me, you're on needles throughout the entire book. I know Stephen King is known as the master of horror and suspence, and maybe his books are more brutal and visually more grotesque but I've never been pinned to a chair before, not being able to stop reading. Now, King is still one of my favorites.. He's so multifaceted... He does not only write horror fiction, but quite beautiful stories sometimes... Maybe beautiful ain't the best word, but nice... Containing a whole other sense of... Can't find the word for it.

I've been a bit on the down side lately, although the last week have been good. Keeping my fingers crossed it'll last. I think this fall will be life alternate for me. I've signed up for a healthclub... A membership of a year where not only do you train the body, you also train your thoughts. It's all about disciplining your mind. Break bad habits, get new good ones. Achieving goals you put up.Turning your life into what you want it to be. I also looked as some schools. Both single classes and entire educational programs. Decorating designer and interior designer. I want it, but both my selfesteem and my self confidence are so low right now that the word university itself scares the living crap out of me. I don't know why I have so many doubts. Maybe it's because I'm flying solo this time. Last time I had Tomas. Someone to catch my fall had I not managed to get in. Someone for comfort. I hate that I'm a little scaredy cat, so afraid of failure. But by all means, this time I will conquer my fear and send applications to all the schools I wanna attend. I think it's quite easy to forget why we fight our way through life sometimes... It's important to get your priorities straight so you know what you are aiming for. And you should always shoot for the stars. I think I new friend taught me that. It's funny really how your mood can change from day to day. I had a talk with Marie about this yesterday. Some days you simply love life, the world is gloriously wonderful you barely know what to do with yourself. Miracles everywhere. And then the next day, not so enthusiastic at all. The world is a horrible place with death, greed and hunger. How could anyone want to put a child into this world full of hatred and ignorance? Yeah, I know, I sound like I suffer from M.P.D. hehe.
Anyhow I should be looking for my jewellery tongs. Mom'd bought a make-your-own-jewellery -kit and needed to borrow some of my aquipment. Fine by me, since I haven't made a necklace in ages. Although I should pick up on some of my old hobbies. I really need to learn to socialize with myself these forthcoming months! Might as well do something creative at the same time ;o) Or maybe painting? Or... Knitting... Or.... Hmm... You got any other suggestions? I'm all ears!

Right now I feel like I could sit here for hours, spilling my heart out. It's typical that I made plans... Think I've gotta go now... Maybe I'll tune back here later...

o.a.o :D

Blue

Do you ever have days when you can't remember even one tiny little thing that normally makes you happy and satisfied with life!? Well I had one today and it wasn't pretty. I don't get it... I think I must've spent at least one hour lying on the sofa just staring. I felt so empty. Could it possibly be the fact that I've finally started to feel lonely? That I feel it would be nice to have a partner? Or maybe it's just these fucking Sundays... I don't even know myself, so how should you know? Although, you are free to speculate!

I saw Jens the other day. Haven't seen him since... Well, the beginning of March I think. It was a strange feeling. I expected not to feel anything at all, but... I don't know. He was sooo... Different somehow. In a good way. I think it's because this time we met without any expectations what so ever and that's when you see the true person. You see behind it all. That's why I don't like dating. People tend to act different when things are expected. Anyway we sat in the park for quite a long time, then had a stroll around Stumholmen. And after that we went to the movies and saw Slumdog Millionaire. What an amazing movie it was! It's been long since I saw a great film! It kinda had it all, you know. Love, action, intelligence, drama and comedy in one. It made me think about that old song about a soldier who bring a deck of cards to church and had to explain how in God's name he could bring such a sinfull thing into the house of God. He explained it all saying that each card had a religious meaning. Well it wasn't quite like that, but it resmebled some how. Anyway I highly recommend this film!!

Christian is moving back up north. Another one of my best friends far away. Sad really. I'm gonna miss him. But before he moves we're going to Brussels! The fifth of June we leave to go to Camilla and Pierre! It's gonna be nice to see them again, been nine months since the last time. I've never been to Belgium so I'm quite excited. I have an idea of it though, that it's gonna be quite alike Sweden. From what Pierre told the countries are pretty similar. I'll tell you more after the visit!

Think I'll log out for tonight. I'm really off today, nothing seems fun and I'm all rained out of energy. Hoping for a better day tomorrow.

Night!

Inspirational

I just finished reading a book. A great book. A book that I hope will forever change my life. It's called "Self-esteem Now!" by Mia Törnblom. Such an amazing woman, such illumination, such strong will power. Unbelievable! For every chapter I "oooohed" and "aaaahed" as I constantly realized things about myself and things about others in my surrounding. The "ahaaa-moments" never seemed to seize. I learned so much about myself. Things of which I had no clue what so ever about. Why we feel or act a certain way and how we respond to influences from the outside without even know it. I remember thinking at one point that each and every one of us should read this. It's like an awakening. I also learnt the significant difference between self-confidence and self-esteem which I up to this point thought were pretty much the same thing. Let me tell you it's not! It's not the same at all! Self confidence is your own faith in yourself when it comes to performing, your abilities, whilst self-esteem is your evaluation of your own worth. Mia writes alot about different exercises that will help improve you well being and strengthening your self-esteem, bit by bit. She, among other things, suggests a "I'm good- book" in which you write every day. Things you did good during the day, things you are thankful for, things you did less good etc. And also to create your own private affirmations for you to tell yourself face to face in the mirror. She presses the fact to tell yourself that you are good just the way you are and if you don't believe what you're saying; lie until it becomes the truth. It's hard to just sum it all up like this, the shortness of the explaination kind of diminshes the power of her words. So can I just, once more, highly recommend "Self-esteem Now!" Even if you don't thing you have any problems it'll surely help you understand others. I for one went out to buy a new smpty-paged book to fill with my affirmations and my "I am good"- stuff!
Having said this I'd also like to tell you that the other day I recieved the highest level of compliments I could ever hope to get. I'm not gonna tell you what it was though, butjust that I was speachless. It wasn't one of those ordinary "I've-never-seen-anyone-as-beautiful-as-you"-kind of comment, but a few words of my meaning to someone. I didn't even know I had the power to influence someone in that way. Let me tell you, it was a boost for both my self-esteem and my self-confidence.
Last Sunday I went to an "Asparagus-Sunday" in Kristianopel and surroundings with Kerstin and Berra. I can't even begin to express how much I like spending time with them. They're so warm and loving and it surely feels like Kerstin's my guardian angel. Even though there's a huge age difference it doesn't matter... I think we complement each other. My big sister... She has such a big heart. I truly wish nothing but happiness for her. She's done so much for others her intire life, now it's her turn to live. Anyway, back to the asparaguses... It was perfect weather and we walked around Kristianopel (there's no place like it) and then after a few hours we went back to Ramdala and had a great big BBQ... Berra's the shit!! He's an awsome cook! As an appetizer he made asparaguses rapped in ham with melted cheese on top, oven made. Sooo good. And for the main course bbqed meat, mushrooms, potatoes split in two and Kerstin and I made tzatziki and for the first time ever (my first time) aioli from scratch! It was all oh so very good! I've never left their house in any other state than stuffed, haha!
I have a little conflict of mind about the upcoming days... What I wanna do with my spare time... Saturday night I hope to get drunk and go out and have the time of my life and Sunday I'm going to Kalmar with mum. But the rest of the time....? Tomorrow evening, Thursday, Friday evening and Saturday... There are so many things I'd like to do... Torn....
A funny thing happened last Sunday. Or I don't know what's so funny really, but I wasn't really prepared. Jens came online on MSN (he's rarely there) and we started talking and he wondered if I'd like to get together soon. I was surprised , but in a good way. I really didn't think he'd care... It's always like that when you break up with someone and you say "of course we'll stay friends... I still want you in my life", but in the end it just doesn't happen... And when he said I'll call you, but not in a while, I was more or less sure that he wouldn't. After all, I hurt him. But looky yonder, he did! Well, I guess there's one more exception. Tomas and I still speak occasionally... Not very often though. I actually thought for a while that it would actually work out fine for us to be friends and hang out, but... I'm guessing his girlfriend's not really okay with it any more. She pulled a fit last year and I feel I got waaaay more than I deserved... Buuuut, she probably had her reasons. I'm not the one to judge! But it's a shame, I thought they both were very nice. C'est la vie!
Latey I've hade this urge to go a little crazy... Do whatever I feel like and just forget all my fears. Get drunk, pinch someone's ass... Dance as ugly as I possibly can on the dance floor... Go out in my slippers... Anything really. Just to remind myself that I am still alive!
Nah, time for an hour of pain and delight! Shakti!!
Nighty night!

And from the ashes rose....

I was really suppose to write something good here today.. Something interesting. Something important. But as I started to press the keys something else came out. The words just came flowing... I don't quite know what it is yet, but I think it might be the beginning of a short story. It's been such a long time since I wrote in that particular way I'd almost forgotten how great I am at it. And most important of all. How much I love it. I haven't written anything fictional since high school and let's face it, that was a few years ago.

Speaking of few years, there's a reunion party this week end. It is now ten years since the graduation from junior high. Time sure does fly. Anyhow, I'm not going. There's no way in hell they would ever get me to pay to have dinner with my classmates from those days. Actually I don't even think I'd go if they paid me. I was however thinking about going out. Well, we'll see. If I can meet up with Marie after her dinner with work, I might. I could use a girls' night out, and God knows she could too. I told her we could go man hunting, I think she misses someone. We all do sooner or later. It's just human nature. But then there's the issue to find "the one". When you think about it, how big are the odds really to find someone you love, that actually loves you back. Equally. Yet all around there seem to be all these happy couples. Sometimes I envy them and simetimes I don't. Love often comes with suffering. Maybe I've become scared... Or maybe... I already know I have a real hard time falling in love. It's something that hasn't happened too many times in my life and I'm guessing it'll take one hell of guy to make me fall in love again. Or should I say make me dare to fall in love again. Love is truly a give and take sort of game and you have to be able to bet some to win some. But how do you know? Since I've obviously not met the right man yet, how will I recognize him? Or maybe when you find him, you just know. Like there's a glow. A glow in his eyes. And what about the love that grows on you? Like an old friend that you suddenly see in a whole new light one day. Is it the same? Do they see the glow too? I think they do. Are there people who live their whole life alone and yet never miss the company of a partner? Do people work that way? People are herd animals, right!? I guess only time will tell. But it tears you up, doesn't it, when you seen people in pain and agony because of love or just simply the mear absense of it. We all see love as a beautiful thing, it's suppose to represent something pure. It also has a backside. Jealousy, revenge, unfaithfulness... But enough about that, we all have our own experiences and in the end that's really all that matters to us personally.

I watched the news today. Yet another fire in Rosengård... Everyday it seems, there's a new one. I don't get it. The police and F.D shows up, tries to control the situation, fails, retreats and the next day it the sam all over. Noone ever think about striking up a conversation?? Try to work something out?? Naaaaah... Let's do this a little bit longer, just enough time to ruin all the pretty cars in the neighbourhood. Don't the politicians relize that they're protesting against something? And don't the F-ing kids understand that they're not only destroying their home and their credibility, but also causing the entire country something? The damage repair falls on all tax payers in this country, themselves included. Vandalism never brings about anything good.

I was invited to Kerstin this Monday. It was so nice to see her home, meet her husband (who b.t.w. is awesome), have a chat outside of work. She is so easy to be near. So easy to talk to. And Berra, her hubbie, is the same! We had a walk with her dogs in the swamp-woods, had dinner and then for desert as we were sitting chatting in the livingroom, a yummy rhubarb pie! It was a really nice evening, hope there are many to come!

Tomorrow Marie is coming. I'm so happy I finally get to see my little sweetie. I have to say I agree with what she said the last time we spoke.. Our friendship only grows better and stronger by the years. So tomorrow I'll make some dinner and we'll talk all night long.

Now, I see my it's way past my "bed-of-needles-time" so... On goes the meditaion music and down on the needles go I! Nighty night!

Inspired

Today I had yet another inspiring day. The weather has been absolutely perfect. Can you honestly believe it?? It's not even May yet and it's been 25 degrees C outside. Amazing! It made me feel completely invincible. There's nothing I can't do. Days like these it feels like you high on life. Can't get enough. It's such an exhilarating feeling. I can't press it enough how much I enjoy life!! I love being single, doing whatever I feel like, whenever I feel like. I can "waste" all my energy on my myself! I've never felt more free. For instance, just the other day, Marie called to ask if I wanted to fullfill an old promise we made to eachother a few years back about going back to Greece. Taking a few weeks travelling by boat around the greek isles! I said yes immediately, so this August, away we go. If I hadn't had my kitties I think I might've gone on alone after Marie went back... I have this strong urge to travel the world. Maybe not all at once, but... being spontanious going where ever I feel like going at that moment... Letting fate lead the way. I wonder what's out there waiting for me!? It has to be something... Would I otherwise have had this intense longing? Only one way to find out... Too bad I'm such a chicken. It's odd, I've never really had dreams before. And now. All of a sudden, because of a tiny litte trip to Spain... My vision of life altered. Feel like I'm repeating myself over and over, but life sure has made a nice turn. New friends, new willpower.

Well, enough of my blabbering of glourious wonders.... Tomorrow Mattias is coming from Stockholm. I'm picking him up at the train station and then we're off for Emmaboda. Think it'll be a blast. Bbq-ing, playing games, having some wine, maybe some sing star ;o) Just relaxing, hanging out. Can't wait! And then later this week end I'm thinking maybe some miniature golf. Definitely a walk in the woods. And then of course, and this is tradition, some Futurama episodes. Mattias is bringing his Lacey =)

Brrrr, I'm sitting here freezing. I got a bit sun burned today and as soon as the sun goes away so does my warmth. I really have to put some sun screen on tomorrow. My back is all red. And soon my nose will be as well. I noticed you can see my freckles now if you look closesly. I actually wish they were a little more pronounced, think it's kinda cute. Well, not too much of course, I wouldn't wanna have my face covered with them, but... Just the right amount!

I fixed up my balcony for the season. New furniture, new zinc pots and lotsa flowers. Considering getting a parasol as well, but I don't know if it's overkill. But I do know I'm going to Ikea soon to get those cute little sun cell lamps made of rice paper that you hang i the ceiling. Need something to make it more cosy. I also found out that my hanging chair that I bought a million years ago in London is in fact still in existance. So that might be an option.

I really should be doing my income tax-return papers. It's not due til Monday, but still... Yeah, that decides it. I'm doing it right now!

Over and out!!!

Sick but happy =)

I'm having a good day today. Well, if I disregard the fact that I've got a terrible cold and a temperature above normal, that is. Went to work anyway because both Anders and Håkan went to Copenhagen so it's just Ruben and myself. We had a muslim funeral today and it was my first one ever. It was very interesting I have to say. It was a non-casket one and they were soo fast, but careful. Very virtuous indeed. The Imam preached a little and they had their rituals and all. Too bad I didn't understand what they were saying. It wasn't all that different from our own traditions, but what felt the most weird was the absense of women. Not a single one, only men. I'm not too sure about this, but I think often, women aren't allowed at funerals. However if the person being buried is a woman, the washing and the wrapping of the body right before the funeral, has to be performed by other women. But like I said, I'm not sure. I feel I want to learn more about this.
Kerstin and I took it real easy today, I think she's also getting a cold... But we had a blast as usual. We cleaned the chapel and Kerstin started playing the organ. This was the first time since her "break" that she'd even touched an organ. So proud of her! She played and I sang. I really can't explain, I feel so secure around her. I don't feel ashamed of anything. I truly appreciate her friendship. It's like we're pushing eachother forwards in the right direction. A small step at the time towards becoming... I don't know what, but something good.
I was really suppose to be having a whole week end with Frida, starting tomorrow, but now it totally depends on how I'm feeling. We talked about going out dancing, but I suppose that's gonna have to wait. I was really looking forward to it though, I'm not out that much nowadays. But I get all his energy in the spring time and I'm just filled with this strong will to do.. anything... everything...
But now... I have to lie down for a while, a flush of fever just washed over me...
T.B.C...

Dry thoughts...

I have so many thoughts right now, just twirling around inside of this weird brain of mine. A thousand words waiting to be expressed but there are simply too many of them and it all becomes a blur. Sentences getting entangled. Where to start? For the first time in a while I today found myself doubting the immense happiness I've been experiencing lately. It scared me. I dare claim this is the first time, possibly ever, that I've felt really at ease with my presens without anything specific being envolved. No new love, no new exciting tasks, just plain life. Yesterday I was walking around the grounds and everthing was just so beautiful. Every little pine cone was pure perfection in my eyes and it filled me with a sense of completion. Today, however, another feeling emerged, a feeling not as pleasant. A feeling of doubt. A doubt that made me think I'm weaker than I thought. I makes me agry to think that I let things that people say get to me so easily. There is this one person, nothing extraordinary about him really, he's just like everybody else, has his good and his bad sides. It's just.... When he has a bad day he takes it out on his surroundings big time. And what pisses me off the most is the fact that I actually care and my promise to myself not to... Mouth back, for the greater good so to speak. But it's frustrating, and if I hadn't had my new friend to talk to during at least half of the day I'm not sure I would get through it. So thank you Kerstin, you brighten up my day!! =)

I really should be doing the dishes, vacuuming, doing me yoga, but I'm all drained out. No energy left. I could really use a great big hug right now. Maybe an Anneke-hug =) They're amazing, you can actually feel the possitive energy and love flowing into you. I don't like feeling this way... It's like I wanna laugh and cry at the samt time. Jumping up and down at the same time as dropping to the floor. These are the moments when I miss having a man in my life, a soulmate. Someone to tell me that I'm way better than to feel like that and that I shouldn't let things effect me so easily. Sometimes you need to use other people as a mirror to remind yourself who you really are and that you deserve the things you want and need in life. That you should never let anyone make you feel less of yourself. That you can be exactly whoever you want to be as long as you allow yourself to it. Fear not. I guess that's partly what being single means, having to fight your battles alone without a co-pilot. Don't you just love my ways of putting things!? Haha...

Well, I just had to get it out of my system and now I have. So back to doing some good around here, the sweet dishes awaits me!

Shivering with delight!

I'm getting even worse at writing in here than before! Unbelievable! Have to say I'm little bit ashamed. Haven't written anything since January!! I suppose a breif update from the previous few moths are in order. Almost can't remember what has happened.

Jens and I broke up, so I am now single again. Told you this dating-thing ain't for me. I keep ending up hurting people, feels terrible. Starting the year by breaking a heart is not exactly ideal, but I think in the end it was all for the best. So yes, free as the bird =)

Had a break from work, but instead of the four months it ought to've been, it was just two. Felt great with a break. Think I would've puked all over it if I'd continued much longer. And so during those weeks I got the idea that I should maybe pull my thumbs out of my sorry ass and finally get that drivers' licence that's been waiting for me. So I did. Took nearly six weeks and alot of effort as well as money. It was all worth it! Suddenly I realised that nothing limited me any more... If I'd wanted to move even further from the city, it would no longer be a problem. A sense of freedom I've never felt before. It was a struggle and once it was over... I don't know, I don't think I grasped it. Still not sure I have... But it's there and it's mine and as long as I'm being good, noone can take it from me!

Oh, and also of course I had my birthday; my 26th birthday! Haven't celebrated it yet though, but this Saturday I think I'll have a party for family and relatives and then maybe the last week end of this month I'll have a proper party for my friends.

I started work yesterday and I couldn't have asked for a more glorious day to begin with. The sun was shining, birds twittering, loads of ladybugs and the first bumble bee of the year! As soon as I saw it, I knew it was spring. I was filled with this immence feeling of happiness. For me spring time is a time of reliefe. All tensions are released and an inner calm fills me. It's like I can do anything I put my mind to. I see miracles in everything. Simply loving every second of life. Haha, almost sounds like I went religious. Thankfully that's not the case! I just think there's something magically wonderful about spring time. And as I thought yesterday was to be the highlight, today was even better. I met a woman that's suppose to be with us for a few weeks, work training. She is an absolutely amazing person. I liked her from the minute we started talking and you can do nothing but beam when you're around her. She's been through a lot and despite that she simply radiates with fight and will power. I couldn't stop smiling having met her. I hope she'll be with us for quite a while.

Sitting here thinking of what to cook for the party... I could do a buffet... Cold cuts of meat, maybe som chicken (dare I??) and a veggie- something. Lotsa sallads and hm... Is there time for all of this? Apparently I've been told it's Friday tomorrow ;o) I'm sure I can get som help if I need it!

Oh by the way, yesterday was April-fools' Day and one of our local news papers had the best one. They wrote that there' was this new law, that made all the dog owners to be fined 500sek if they didn't carry a visible pooping bag whilst walking their dogs. After three misdemeanours, the dog will be confiscated!! Brilliant!!! =) I laughed my ass off. However it seems that a lot of people didn't get the joke, o in today's paper was a notice that this was just an April fools' joke. They radio had also went out with the joke that in the near future speed cameras was to be put up at sea. Hahaha!! The weird, but slightly sad part about people not getting the jokes is that nothing surprises anymore. Anything, any law, is possible. The society has reached the point where soon all boundaries are broken and things sieze to amaze.

I sat talking to Andreas, a new acquaintance, yesterday and we got around to talk about things you wanted to do, like learning how to play the guitar or learning a new language and it got me thinking of all my unpersued dreams. Why are they unfullfilled?? What do I have to lose?? As usual i came to the conclusion that it all has to do with fear of failure. Deep down it has to be and it needs to stop. It time to start living the, presumably, only life I've got! =)

So by that, time for supper!

In Omnia Paratus....

Give it a rest?

Like it's not hard enough as it is... Maybe I should just lay off it... Fuck!

Hoping tomorrow'll be better day!

Nighty night!

All mighty joy!

Today was an exhilarating day! Got loads of good news and I just couldn't help but smiling! First of all I learned that Jens is coming home on Sunday; finally I know for sure and I'm longing!!! There's finally a light in the tunnel!
Second of all, though not a very big but yet uplifting thing, I had more than seven hours credited to my flex hour account which means that a few more days and I can take a hole day off if I'd like. Might not sound too exciting but since I thought I only had approximately twenty minutes it certainly was good news. I also filed for vacation on Monday and was granted it emediately! This means three days off from work and a hole day to spend with Jens. =)
Third, I got the news that two friends of mine got a house and are now moving out of the city. Apparently they're fixing it up right now and it is soon ready for them. This might be a spot of light as it's been kind of a rough time for them lately, due to some family matters that will have a fatal ending. It pains me a great deal not being able to do anything to make it easier, but death is the only thing of which we obtain no power what so ever. It always gets us in the end.
And last, but definitely not least, one of my best friends is having a baby! She and her husband seem to have been trying for quite a while and now, just like that, she's got a bun in the oven. =) I was so happy for them when she told me I nearly cried. She really truly deserves this and she's gonna make a great mother! To be completely thruthful it was a rather odd feeling when I got the news... I felt like crying and laughing at the same time. Like I said I was really happy for them but I couldn't help but thinking that I tiny part of me was feeling sad. That made me think of something Jens said about me and babies. He wasn't right about the part about me getting sad baby sitting other people's children, on the contrary, but this baby boom is starting to get to me in a way I hadn't expected. It's like a tiny seed is growing within me. A secret longing for mother hood. Or maybe it's isn't a longing, maybe it's fear. Fear of not getting what I would sorely miss if I was forced to live without it. Either way I don't like these feeling stiring and messing up my head. To quote J.K. Rowling; I have to disciplin my mind! An expression I found most clever. The truth is I mustn't be thinking along those lines now. My life is not in a state where a thing like that would be appropriate. I've just started seeing this totally awsome guy and to be frank I don't even know if we're a couple yet or if we're just dating. Nothing is ever said out loud to confirm these things nowadays. I suppose you have to ask!? I would however dare making a qualified guess and say that at the very least we are past the first stages of dating and based on my own emotions perhaps past the later stages as well. I guess time will tell! =)
And speaking of... I babysat Noelle this week end. She is so darling sweet and well behaved. I just love watching her. There's nothing that makes you more warm inside than hearing a baby giggle! It's contagious in a very good way! =)
I've also decided not to go to Stockholm next week end. Mattias is having his 25th birthday I it sure would be fun, but I'm not sure it's a good time for me to leave. Monday I finally forced an answer out my boss about my working period. Turns out I only have until the end on Januari. It feel better that I could've imagined; I'm so sick of cleaning by now I swear I'll go barking mad doing it much longer. So from that point of view it was terrific. The downside of course is the loss of money. Not that I don't have some stashed away, but it always feels better to get a big fat pay roll each month. To conclude I have to be more economic the following two months, prioritizing what I want the most. Hoping to go to Belgium in March to visit Pierre and Camilla and if not that I'd like to go with Jens (if he'll have me with) to Sundvall for a few days. Then there's Malmö, Kalmar and Emmaboda to visit. And I have a birthday coming up in a month and a half as well. And to make matters worse, or better, I was hoping to finally pull my thumb out of my ass and get my drivers licence. I'm sure it'll all turn out fine!
So now Obama's finally got to the power. I missed the hole oath taking ceremony yesterday and all the celebrations, but I hear it was grand. He seems to be truly loved by a lot of people and in my personal oppinion I think he's going to make a huge difference to the world. He seems so human. So... like us, the people. He knows what it's like to be poor and fight your way through life. He worked his way up just like it's supposed to be. Huge parts of the world is on his side, cheering him on and I see why. It might be way to soon to tell of course, but from the looks of it he puts real value in human lives. Wanting to end the war, exceeding Bush in every aspect of his being. He attempts to amend the foreign establishment throughout the world, something the U.S. has been lacking in resent years. Running their own race. I truly believe this might be the turning point for a lot of people in a lot of places. I kind of renaissance for the pride of the States; meaning they actually might just live up to the praises they so willingly give themselves. Keeping my fingers crossed Obama's all he seems to be!!
Time to make some dinner! Salmon with bulgur salad and lemon yoghurt! Tasty!!! =)
O.A.O!

Drafts and crafts..

Today was a good day! I'd expected it to be more dull to return to work due to an, apparently imagined, dispute... I tend to get a little paranoid sometimes when people for no obvious reason start treating me different what they normally do, but I guess this time it was just plain paranoia! I'm glad, really glad that nothing's wrong. Infact it felt better than usual. Maybe it's because you get some time apart during the days off. Anyway I had a blast... Or... Well, that was a huge over statement, but it was good. We took down a great big beech tree today and just the sound of it thrusting down makes me shiver... Shiver in a good way. I love the sound of a branch twitching or a tree falling. Aaaah!! ;o) I also got the keyes to the gym I've been waiting for and I called Stefan to have him but my code in the system. So as soon as I learn where the gym is actually located, I'm ready to kick off! Flying solo in the gym might just be more right for me than struggeling among a bunch of others in a public place. Just doing things in my own pace, no rush! Think it'll be great!

Just a few minutes ago it felt like I had a million things to rwite and now my mind's a complete blank... Sitting at my mom's place, feet on the desk, keyboard in my lap gazing over at the screen... Wish I'd brought my glasses....

Yesterday I cut and dyed mom's hair... Dying - no problem, I can do that blind folded, but cutting.... I don't think I've gotten near someone besides myself with a scissors since I accidently shaved off a piece of Tomas' hair... He asked me once to help him cut his hair in the back of the neck after he trimmed his hair and I didn't realize he'd taken the trimming aquipment off and that it was now a shaver... The rest I'm sure you can imagine for yourselves!? Anyway, the point is, mom's hair actually looked really nice after I finished! Really nice! It was like a little make over! That made me realize I want one too... I'm entering one of those fazes where I feel I have to renew myself... I promised Rickard no impulsive tattooing again though! However... I've been chasing the idea of another piercing for ages now, and I'm not exactly getting any braver as I age so maybe it's now or never! I've had my fair share of piercings during the years, but I now only have two left, not counting the ears. So the question then changes into : Where? My tounge or my lip? The lip'll actually be a reamaking of the old one... Yeah well, if I can't decide, I can always wait a bit longer... But a haircut, definately a haircut! And maybe a streak or two. Bah, enough about the looks, I sound like some teenager!

Started taking the birth control pills again today.... Have to try them again. I got a new brand but I got all depressed and devastated.... I can't say for sure it was their fault, that's why I'm trying them again. But the least sensation of sadness or any other negative feeling I'm off them again. Seems like I'm doomed when it comes to birth control... Nothing suits me... Last ones I tried gave me every single side effect exept for diminished sex drive and head aches. You can imagine how "great" I felt, hahaha!! Bleh, hormons...

I just realized that it was a while ago since I actually wrote something really constructive here... Or I mean... Since I was actually blogging of a subject not containting the word Emelie... Real stuff... Debating over gay rights or the war in the middle east... But to be honest this blog is almost like a friend I can confide in. I don't scribble down my inner most feelings here of course, since I'm fully aware I have a few very faithful readers. Not that I feel I don't trust them, but I prefer telling them in person if there's something really important. Mainly it's just rubbish in here, my every day thoughts and reflections, fears and enjoyments... Well you know me :P

Think I should finish off here now... Try to turn the sleeping hours around!

I miss you sweet...

Just a shorty

So, this is the day the three wise men was supposed to've arrived to look at the baby... Honestly I couldn't care less, but it's sure good to have a day off from work. Not that there hasn't been free time lately, but it still came as a blessing. Good to start off work with a slacker week. Only three days to go and then a weekend I really look forward to!

Went skiing with Hansa at Bastasjö today! Loads of people, both ice skating and skiing. It's been ages since I skiied last, I'd forgotten that it's quite a lot of work. But it sure was fun. Hoping to do it again in a not too distant future! We also went up to Rödeby to check out the slope and then to Mörtsjöåsen. It was soooo beautiful! The perfect scene. The lake frosen, the snow completely untouched. It was almost like a postcard, just a little sun lacking! Niiiiice! =)

On Friday, Frida's coming for the week end!!! Haven't seen her in months I think. Gonna pull at least one all-nighter with PS2. Just bought one and I asked Frida to bring some games... Think I'll pay Wallther a little visit tomorrow after work though, to see if I might be able to find a few more games and a memorycard. Maybe a discount's not off the table either=)

Jens left for Sundvall today... He was here last night, we ate a bit, watched two movies... Or... One and a half. The first one was a too dull, so we turned it off, but the second one was at least bearable ;o) It was a really cosy evening... Just sitting crawled up with his arms around me! I like him, I really do!! Starting to get worried that I developed some sort of relationship fobia.. Something that probaly has a really fancy name:P Anyway, it's not incurable! I miss him, that has to be good sign!

Just got an invitation to the year's first birthday party, at Catte's!! Don't know her all that well, but I'm sure it'll be fun! I need to get out more, meet new people... Learn how to mingle! I feel I mature more and more each time I put myself through socializing with people I don't know. Finding myself through interacting with strangers... Compared to ten years ago I'm a whole new person. Now my friends are jealous of my good selfesteem which is... Wow! To sum it up, I'm proud as hell of myself! I truly dislike the word perfect... Perfect leaves no room for improvement, and improvement is a word I really like!

For the first time since... Well... Come to think of it... EVER, I feel like clearing out Christmas! Throw out the tree, I've got needles all over my appartment and damn it hurts to step on them... Dizzy and Phoebe find it absolutely hilarious to play under it, drinking the water... Dizzy's got some sort of twisted glitter fetisch... She plays with it and cleans it until there's just a thread left. Crazy cat... But she sure is cute! Nah, it feels like I just want to go back to every-day life again. Starting one of my projects. I never finished painting the doors and exchanging that nobs and handles... That's first... And then for the walk-in closet. I need to buy a serious amount of hangers so I can get rid of drawers in there.... At least half of it. It takes up waaaay too much space. Right now it's so cramped in there, you do anything to avoid going in. Time to change that... You eventually grow tired of wearing table cloths and bed sheets and feel like you really should put something on going to work ;o)

I should really hit the sack... Just have to fix my nails first before they break. And if I'm really lucky I might just get a text msg or something before i call it a night!

Nighty night, don't let the bed bugs bite =)