A sudden arousement of emotions...

I don't think you realize exactly how sorry I am... For all of it... I know I keep saying it, and you keep saying I'm forgiven, but you don't know... Sorry is just a word, but I'm tormented beyond repair on the inside... To be honest, I'm not sure it's your forgiveness I want... I think it's mine... I can't make peace with the person I became... I can't believe I let it go that far. I allowed myself to become so misserable that I would actually hurt another humanbeing... Not physically of course, but... Letting myself go in the outreach that I made some one feel they weren't worth anything... Just walk all over them, complaining... Making them feel they're not good enough... You were... You were too good. I didn't see back then how you faught... I was so unhappy... It wasn't because of you. I became some one... I scared myself.. So destructive... I can barely grasp the thought of it... I know I should be fair to myself by saying, it takes two to tango... But I'm me, and I tend to put all the blame on me...
You told me a while back, you didn't recognized me, that I wasn't the person you fell in love with... And I told you, I am the person you fell in love with, but I'm not the person you broke up with.
What if it's a fact?? What if I become this deranged girl everytime I'm in a relationship? I've only had two, longlasting... And I suppose you could say they were both destructive... Both times, the guy really adored me, but I somehow, made it all wrong... Was it because I deep down knew, that it wasn't meant to be? I can only hope for the later of the two. At least I figuered out what kind of a man I need... Or what I don't need. I guess that's a good thing!

I need to figure out a way for me to forgive myself... I keep making it about him, but really it's not. He's moved on and I'm truly happy for him! He deserves it! And truth of the matter is, I wouldn't want it any other way... I don't want him, I don't have feelings for him... I just wanna make my peace with what happened. I can't seem to do that... I need some sort of closure... But how? There's nothing I can do to change it now. If I could do it all over, I'd do it completely differently. Better.... Maybe I should write myself a letter, pleeding for understanding and forgiveness... Could it work? It just might...

No, gotta stop the sob, and get some work done today! Maybe I'll see ya later!